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wheels, I'm on wheels

oh.


little girls with pretty
names spin my hair, trying to
make it like
silk, but
give up,
muttering some
nonsense about how I'm beautiful
anyway.















Author notes

Hate fear indiscretion and now I'm guilty isn't that right dear?

critique it.

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 7 of 7
  • joniwalter
    November 12
    Edit | Reply
    Uncle Chris says the tense is fine...don't overthink it!


  • August Starlight silver member
    October 27
    Edit | Reply
    haha. this is true. <3.


  • sixtimesseven
    October 24
    Edit | Reply
    ohhhhh. i love this. so much.


  • tuesdae
    October 24

    Edit | Reply
    or 'give' instead of 'giving'.

    i love this.


  • Candy Morphine
    October 24

    Edit | Reply
    i think there's a problem with tense here.

    'muttering' doesn't sound right. maybe change 'but giving up, muttering something' to 'but gave up, muttering something'.

    or maybe i'm wrong.
    probably.


    other than that
    fuckwow.

    this is good.

    as if i should be suprised though.

1 - 7 of 7