One Day in the Future

There will come a day
where your chances will all have passed
and you will finally see what you lost.
There will come a day when we meet up
in the future
and compare notes on our lives.
And you will wonder all the
'what if's
that I have buried myself in
for the past four years.
You will ask
"what happened to us?"
I will say, "nothing can happen to something that never existed.
You had the launch code for years,
you just decided it wasn't worth the effort.
So now you've missed your trip to the moon."
I, however, will not mourn you.
If all you can do is make me wait for you,
and make me feel like absolute shit
every day
then I will be better off without you.
And this time
I fucking mean it.
I'm through with being second best,
I'm through with watching from the sidelines,
and I'm through with being the last one you think about.
I'm through with deciding "When this relationship fails,
like it undoubtedly will,
I'll be next. For real this time,"
every time you get with another
14 year-old, 5'2'', 100lb bitch
Because I.
Am worth
a whole fucking lot more
than that.
Worth more than this.
Worth more than you could ever hope to be.
You hurt too much, you asshole.
You say you don't want to hurt me but
then you spend an entire year telling me
just how much you hate me-
just how much I suck?
How is it possible
that you can make me wish
that I were terrible in school
just so you won't say "I hate you, genius"
again?
How can someone mean that much
to me
that they are an undercurrent to every decision,
to every wish I make, to every conversation
I have?
How? Why? And why do you have to fail so hard?
I see the endings:

I.
Without you there will be hard times,
more nights when I just can't understand you
at all.
Possibly years will pass until I get over you- and possibly
more since you're going to be in my life for a while
now, apparently.
But I will;
get over you.
And my future will be so much greater without some
irresponsible, immature, insecure little boy.

II.
With you life would be happy.
Sometimes it would be tough, but we'd still be together-
in the beginning.
If you ever got over your self-consciousness enough
to be able to like and be with who you like
and not think about what other people say.
Because right now.
I don't see that happening.
But if it did, life would be good with a
fun loving, smart, creative, friendly guy like you.

-- God why am I doing this?
I'm still holding my heart open for you,
despite everything.
I fantasize about turning you down when you
finally come to your senses--
but truthfully I'd probably say yes
before my heart even started beating again.
.........
WHY
CAN'T
I
END
THIS?!
But I guess
there's no ending
something you won't let begin.
So everything's okay anyways, right?
I can't change it anyways, so I'm not going to worry about it.
The future will play out as it will, and you will see...
one day.