They knew.
Butterflies in my tummy
floated effortless free furious
a hive of hissing thoughts
I could not ignore.
No you didn't know
but you toiled up that tower we built
to unveil your dying affection
in such convoluted ways
even Houdini disapproved-
I knew but unsure if that cup you gave me
was half full of bull shit
or half empty of promises
Author notes
meh, as far as breakup poems go, above par, no?
Also, a notable departure from my usual syntax. I'm intrigued actually.
This is an achievement in my poetry career, even in the likely event I win nothing from this contest. Honestly, too many other much more brilliant writers on this site. 
- the dOrk fOrces group list • next in list
A contest entry
- BWOM~~Best Write Of The Month~~#7 by islekine.
1050 points, ended November 1, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Having only ever been in 4 real relationships, I've only had a girl break up with me once, but while reading your well chosen words, you managed to make me re-live that time. Good job. After all, isn't that the point of poetry, to capture a feeling with only a few words.
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Loved the Houdini metion and the pessimist/optimist take on the last stanza, im sure you could of used better punctuation though. well done anyway, you still made an impact without the puntuation =)
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Thank you for your critique.
About the punctuation, I originally had my usual syntax, but I experimented with this one. I like what the lack of punctuation emphasizes in the piece, gives it a scathing tone I was looking for. It sounded to calculated with my usual punctuation; I was going for raw.
Again, thanks for you comment.
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I enjoyed this very much!
I only read a poem or two every now and then to my husband, because it just "gets" me...lol...this was one...
I like your style!
Best wishes in the contest and always...hope to see your talent again!
and
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I like the unique way you have done such a common theme. Great emotion, imagery and depth...
It's hard to critique an emotional write - for me, I think they can be written any way they pour out of the soul. This is heartfelt - and that's all you need, in my opinion.
nice job
thank you for your entry
best wishes in the contest
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Thank you for your kind words on my work, but personally, I don't care where my poems comes, looking at them from the perspective of the reader. I believe that poetry, just like any art, is a medium of entertainment foremost over anything else. If it isn't a good read, why bother? The Denver poet laureate (I feel like a dum-dum, I forget his name.), he teaches at a local community college and he said once, "No one wants to read about you." That struck me. If I'm going to write about me, it has to be entertaining before anything else or then what's the point as you as the reader bothering to pay it any attention, you know? With that in mind, my poem has to then transcend my little world, I feel. I stuggle with balancing entertainment and raw emotion. My question is, was it an entertaining read on the surface level as well as deeper?
so please, any critique is welcome and encouraged.
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As a reader, I tend to appreciate a write that I can tell came from the poet's soul, from their emotions. In my opinion, it is a much stronger write.....true, some use the old tired-out cliches (butterflies in the tummy for example), but still when done with feeling and uniqueness - I enjoy it on the surface as well as the deeper level. I do tend to enjoy the touch of abstract thoughts, though, also....gives me, the reader, a chance to ponder and put my own spin on it at times.....just my own 'taste' I guess.
To answer your question - it was an entertaining read on both levels.
best wishes
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^thank you.
This all means a lot to me as a writer.
I've never had this positive a reaction to a poem in the 200+ contests I've entered on this site.
I had such a dry spell of critque I almost quit writing.
To hear that at least one other person pondered on a thought that I've wrote... very humbling to say the least.
again, thank you.
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I think you have expressed the flood of emotions from a breakup well. Your ending is very strong and very creative, a vivid twist on an old cliche. Very well written. Best wishes in the contest.
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I love the way you worded this, it's a wonderful poem and I'm very pleased that you shared it with me
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I really like the imagery here! Overall, this is really well done. The last lines are VERY powerful. This is beautiful!
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wow. this was intense. i would hate to be the person who inspired this. but yo did a fantastic job.
thanks for sharing and best of luck in the contest.
write on.
~*~SP~*~
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XD the person that inspired this shouldn't worry. I respect her, she's a good person. It just sucks that everything happened the way it did is all.
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powerful
some punctuation would be helpful, you have chosend your words carefully and used them perfectly. powerful thoughts that sing when spoken, Emotions well expressed. Great Job.
*Go with God* My Friend,
Valerie
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dramatic, has some good wording
poured out , shows your frustration and anger
at first glance I didnt know it was about breakup until the notes
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