its been a long time but
i can still map your body in the darkness
the contours dipping into foxholes and valleys
where i did not love you enough
you look so beautiful sleeping there
mouth slightly parted
breath thin as a red thread
arms outstretched
like it is good to be alive
how do you make the river fall to its knees like that
is there anything more frightful than death
where are you going
are you happy now
are you fucking happy now
and what does that make me
i have many questions but you stir in the quiet
i gather my things and leave as swiftly
as a stranger who has done this before
you are not the one i once loved beyond meaning
i am not the one you saved
and it sure is good to be alive
Author notes
confession:
it's been a month.
i miss you when it is least expected.
it frightens me, how easily i can learn to hate you.
A contest entry
- confession by philosphyofkate.
9000 points, ended November 18, 40 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
because i am your doormat
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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"how do you make the river fall to its knees like that"
oh holy wonders.
I'm in awe.
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so sad
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you're phenomenal.
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1.) i disagree with notorious in that i actually really prefer "i still can map" to how you changed it. i don't know why they wanted you to alter that. haha. saying "still" first creates an accent on it in the reader's metal-ear. also, i find that in general poetry is better when one chooses uncommon ways of phrasing familiar statements.
2.) i have to disagree with divebar also, in that this poem would not make sense at all if you punctuated it. the lack of punctuation is such a central aspect of the flow of the piece. as i go back and try to re-read it with imagined punctuation, it just feels wrong.
how do you make the river fall to its knees like that
is there anything more frightful than death
where are you going
are you happy now
are you fucking happy now
and what does that make me
- the way you made this part move as though we were inside the psychology of your brain is fantastic. it's crafted brilliantly.
overall, this is great.
my theory is that you are such an ingenious artist that you shouldn't make edits devised by others. write exactly what sounds most natural in your own mind.
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hahaha.
1) idk. the emphasis depends on how i say it in my head, yknow?
2) thanks.
your theory is bunk. sometimes a girl don't know what to say. :C -
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well, there are very few people to whom i could apply such a theory.
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honored, as usual.
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1. i absolutely hate that this is not punctuated.
2. i agree with both of the grammar points notorious made
3. the following is way too abrupt. the repetition with "fucking" isnt necessary especially if it leads to your completely dropping the aggressive tone you used it to create.
"are you happy now
are you fucking happy now
and what does that make me
i have many questions but you stir in the quiet
i gather my things and leave as swiftly
as a stranger who has done this before"
4. outside of points 1-3 this was a fantastically gripping piece. one of your strongest despite its little flaws.
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thanks. i'm fixing 2.
1 and 3 are very, very good points. but there are personal reasons i didn't punctuate, threw in a curse word, etc. and i'm not sure yet if i want to compromise its relevance to my life for poetic technique... i'm chewing on it. :]
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i wonder how it feels to take people's breath away.
i'm in awe.
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a high compliment, coming from you.
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Holy Shit...I... uh... i dont even... holy shit, man.
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wow.
there you go.
a one word summery of this whole thing.
wow.
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I read the "it has" in contracted form like "it's" for "it's been a long time but". However, I'm not sure there are many people who prefer contractions as much as I do or whether you're one of them, so I should be put in a room and ignored the hell out. Since the rest of the poem sort of lack contractions, that might look weird I guess, so never mind.
"i still can map"
I read this as "I can still map"; it sounds more natural in speech to me that way.
'foxholes'
Radsauce word ... just the way it's incorporated, too. "where i did not love you enough" Just, wow.
"how do you make the river fall to its knees like that
is there anything more frightful than death"
My favorite 2 lines easily, but especially with "how do you make the river fall to its knees like that". Anybody with that ability should be written about. Sooo good.
Your last 6 lines are wonderful.
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yes ma'am. your first two points are fantastic, and fixed.
and....THANKS! for all the flattery. with the biggest, cheesiest, asian grin i can muster.
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oh damn, this is lovely. especially the last line.
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There is such a fine line between love and hate. The worst thing, I think, is indifference. I've always thought that living well is the best revenge, too...let them see how well you do without them in your life...it drives 'em crazy. 
Your first two stanzas and the third, the line about the river, were the ones that spoke the loudest to me. Good luck in the contest, Poet. Better luck getting this person out of your head. They don't deserve you. 
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"breath thin as a red thread"
favorite line. no doubt.
this has such a soft & subtle yet blinding sadness to it, if that makes sense. I loved it.
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Wow, this is amazingly written and amazingly touching. I'm bookmarking this. It uses metaphors well and creates some very sincere emotion. It had me holding my breath till I read the whole thing, even though I was in the middle of something. I hope you're okay.
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thank you. :]
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