dead fathers seem to inhabit corners
of rooms and minds
fingers extended with condemnation
held rigid by blame
I pass mine nightly
while getting some water
as I stand analyzing shadows
amid fractured silence
for he moves loudly in memory
filling chairs and doorways
voice reverberating
across shiny wood floors
his reflection ominous
black in its anger
so I push him back
through eye's imagined archways
where he doesn't gain control
of time and space
like the old days
when all the corners were mine
to crawl into
and just hide...
Author notes
POM
The death of an abusive parent and the unresolved issues left waiting in the corners of the mind.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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The fear of a child, shows how big a father
can keep you in fear, to hide. you penned
this picture with such transparency and
shown strength. loved the flow and theme
brought back memories.
well done
Poet and Good Luck in the contest
love and blessings
Rend
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Bunny! What a pleasure to read your work again!
I must say that I love this poem -- your usual brilliance.
I am very used to seeing punctuation in a poem, and when there isn't any, it looks different and strange to me. Reading it out loud, it did feel a little choppy, and I think this may just be a personal thing. But I know that it's a style thing at heart, and that the poet needs to judge that for themselves. (So don't go changing that
)
The theme . . . I'm on a reading spree today, and I've read a poem with *the EXACT SAME theme* today. I'm not even kidding you there. And that poem is still fresh in my mind, so reading this, it created a bit of a clash.
Now, I sound really negative in this comment, but please don't take it that way. You are an amazing writer, and this is an amazing poem. Wonderful use of vocabulary and great poetic devices, and you capture the theme extremely well.
Here's wishing you well,
Zach Estel. -
Hello Bunny
I have to disagree with a few of your Reviewers and Judges....so far.....as I believe punc.s are used primarily to MAKE SURE, your Readers are in touch with your Flow & Tone -
But in your case here, you are quite aware as to how to motivate your Readers into the same thought-mode as you when reading your work -
I am also one who does not use pun.c's on occassion, as I believe it is the word choices and Flow which make for great reading -
I can't say this Theme is the most Creative, but it sure makes for good reading when penned as well as this is -
I do wish....however, you would have expanded a tad bit more on each L and added a weee bit more visual to this already viauslly enhanced write -
Other than that....not may suggestions.....your work is always moving.....and that is how you get my attention
Good luck!
Bear -
Title 9.25....I would click on this Title....you had me curious....not as Creative as I believe it could have been, but to the point - -
Flow 9.65....good Flow...pun.c's are not used on purpose and that is okay with me in certain writes....however, a tad choppy in just a few areas -
Depth 9.0.. ....for only 22 L's allotted to you, I wanted to see more of your thoughts....you gave me a Teaser here and there....I wanted more!!! -
Theme 8.95..Not as Creative as I look for, as I have seen this Theme a few times -
Feelings 9.25...lacking in this area a bit.....I wish you had expanded a bit more and not made it so to-the-point -
Grammar 9.75....word choices are key....good job!
-Presentation 9.6...you broke up your thoughts into smaller S's (S's = Stanzas )....and that helps the Flow....sometimes....in this case, you chose your own personal style and that works for me....IMO -
Uncommonness...8.85..Theme has been done a few times very similiar...but your approach is quite nice -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.40...I did ponder.....briefly -
Ability to follow Rules 10.0...nice job
-Bears Score: 93.7
I believe you can see where your score was hurt here....many areas are affected when a Theme is more common than another -
It's a close tally so far....good luck!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work -
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I can certainly relate to this. Nice piece on an old topic. I also think it could use a little punctuation.
Title.........9
Flow........9
Depth.....9
Theme.... 8
Feelings.....8
Grammar..... 8
Presentation...9
Uncommoness...8
Sit and Ponder.... 8
Rules...........10
Your Total: 86
Best wishes,
Frogz~ -
Outstanding "fingers extended with condemnation, held rigid by blame." Intriguing "fractured silence." Outstanding "he moves loudly in memory." Exercize of determined will expressed in "I push him back...where he doesn't gain control." Excellent imagery and story telling.
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Title: 10
Flow: 9
Theme: 9
Feelings: 8
Grammar: 7
Presentation: 8
Uncommoness: 9
Sit and Ponder: 7
Depth: 9
Follow Instructions: 10
Total Points: 86
Good job but needed punctuation.
Michael
No editing once a Judge has touched your work - -
Holy cow was this wonderful!!! I love it!!! Brilliantly written and the ending just did it for me! Get some punctuation in there and it’ll be perfect! Good luck in the contest!
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One of your best...
and that's not easy! lol...Best wishes in the contest and always!
Thanks for sharing your amazing talent!
and
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I can relate to this, as I was in an abusive marriage... After the separation and divorce, I still dealt with memories & triggers that would spark feelings unresolved. One saving grace I have had is the freedom to write ~ it's relieved most triggers and insecurities.
Nicely done ~
and if this is from a personal viewpoint, by all means -- keep writing until issues find themselves no longer...issues!
Best wishes in the contest!
~ Tim
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This is AMAZING. I wonder all the time what it will feel like when my abusive father dies. I think you just completely explained that in the most beautiful way. This has so much raw emotion without being drowned in self pity. I love the wordplay and tone and how perfectly each progressing line fits together. I could just cry reading this. Not because its sad, but because you've captured an elusive feeling so accurately. Wow. By the way, at the end of the poem, I think "where" is supposed to be "were."
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Oh my hun, you have captured the feelings and emotions of such a life brilliantly. There are so many who will be able to relate to this on so many levels. For me it is the silent condemnation of a mother. And yes the memories hide so well, lurking in all the corners, darting out at anytime. A very powerful piece.
Amazing
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Powerful piece with strong imagery & senses. Really well done.
ya All-Ways, ~ Jan ~
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Wow Cup I've read this a few times and it gets better and better with each read. The powers of past and present are made equally tangible. I can see him vividly when you say "for he moves loudly in memory
filling chairs and doorways" , feeling both his anger and the writers fear.Then the finish-brilliant! When he was alive at least there were corners to hide in (the poor quivering shadows) but in death who can hide from such memories? Also I really like the style you used-by that I mean the no capping and no punctuation. none needed it works great...peace
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