Always eating.......hungry
yum, yum.......swallow
gliding......falling......splash
bobbing......dissolving......moving
Tumbling, twirling......absorbed
hitching ride on red disks
passing through smooth surfaces
finally making it to new home
with large family, but.....
NO......more......room
Kaboom
__________________________________________
He's flat line sir.
Internal bleeding, find it quick!
Snap......scrap......slice
Suction!
fuuuuuuh......fuuuuuuh
Keep pumping his chest!
It was his appendix, Sir.
He is still flat lining Dr.
How long has it been?
five minutes, sir.
Call it! DOA
Author notes
*POM Contest*
Theme: Fatal Appetite
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM - by Bear by Arkbear.
2000 points, ended November 1, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think of this refrain?
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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the feel of this write held me to the
very end, and yes it was very creative
and would fill one with fear, if they weren’t
health conscious, a most enjoyable read
well done
Poet and Good Luck in the contest
love and blessings
Rend
-
I had no clue what your title meant. If I have to crack open my dictionary to understand your title alone, that makes me feel stupid. LOL.
The beginning . . . . I'll be totally and brutally honest here, it felt childish. Which is good and bad. It has the brilliance of a child's mind, but it also has the simplicity; and that's the price you had to pay. It didn't work for me here.
But you did have a creative idea, and a wonderful theme, and that's always a good thing here. And you tell a wonderful story here, tragic, but a little funny (I will rue my words here, I'm sure), as well.
Thank you for sharing! Best of luck in the PO' contests.
Best wishes,
Zach Estel. -
Hey there!
Rich & Creative! However, your choice of words could have been more....profound and Powerful -
Instead of the common thoughts you have given, you could have used a few METS ( Mets = metaphors) to improve the Power in your thoughts -
Using ( ! ) does not do it for me.....as I believe it should be the word choice which should make us rise and fall in your Tempo & Tone -
( fuuuhh....fuuuhhh )....try to find words which would create the same visual......fuuuhhhh means nothing to me.....however, you got your point across...just not as poetically -
Good luck!
Bear -
Title 8.25....I would not click on this Title, as I would not be aware of what this word meant right off the bat and I would more than likely, move along to another poem
....but..... VERY Creative for this particular write -Flow 6.8....Flow is quite choppy IMHO....and L's seem unfinished -
Depth 7.9.. ....for only 22 L's allotted to you...you could have taken them to a weee bit more fepth and length....expand on them enough for your Readers to get more Visuals and answers -
Theme 7.95..Creative....just lacking in finished thoughts....for me-
Feelings 8.85...lacking in this area a bit -
Grammar 8.0.....using common words can hurt your score here big time -
Presentation 8.9...you broke up your thoughts into smaller and larger S's (S's = Stanzas )....and that helps the Flow in most cases...but your choice of words are hindering your scores here.....IMO -
Uncommonness...8.75..Theme has potential....just looking for more poetic Tone than storyish Tone-
Sit & Ponder Affect 6.90...I did not ponder.....sorry
-Ability to follow Rules 10.0...nice job
-Bears Score: 82.3
Broaden your word choices a bit more next time and watch your scores soar!
No editing after a Judge has touched your work or until after contest closes please
-
The title sent me running for my thesaurus. So curiosity would beckon me to read this from the title alone. The rest of it however, I think could use some work.
Title........9
Flow........8
Depth......6
Theme.....7
Feelings....6
Grammar...8
Presentation....7
Uncommoness...8
Sit and Ponder....7
Follow Rules.....10
Your Total: 76
Good luck and best wishes,
Frogz~ -
Title: 7 would not bring me to read it
Flow: 7
Theme: 6
Feelings: 6
Grammar: 7
Presentation: 7
Uncommoness: 7
Sit and Ponder: 7
Depth: 7
Follow Instructions: 9
Total Points: 70
I feel this needs more work on it.
Michael
No editing once a Judge has touched your work - -
This is a fantastic read! I love the motion; it's so fast then the CPR slows it down yet it keeps moving. Well done!
Love,
Amera
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What an interesting piece written creatively. A very unique topic, as well. I think you can get rid of that line in the middle and have a better effect on the poem. Also, DOA means “dead on arrival” and I get the sense he’s already at the hospital, so they wouldn’t say that. That’s somewhat awkward. Just my two cents. Good luck in the contest!
-
please check the rules,
especially those about what belongs in your AN.
Thank you!
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