I store my soul in a jar of ink
My mind within a quill
Where they shall stall until I call
To bend them to my will
Here at my desk I sit and think
The jar begins to fill
As liquid words rise to the brink
I dip my mind into my soul
It rises wet with dreams distilled
In ecstasy my heart is filled
As on the page of life I spill
The words which make me whole
How would you improve this?
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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This poem is absolutely phenonimal! I have heard few poems that so quintessentially capture this love or writing. I adore it!
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I had to read this a couple of times to come out with a solid understanding
and out I were with one
I like this really and I applaud your metric ability in it
your imagery is of that simple but profound nature, you metaphored your mind as a pen, your soul as an ink container, simple
but the process of filling and dipping and spilling made it all the more beautiful and appealing to me as a reader
well done
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Very neat
It has a fresh, riginal tone, and there is smething v pleasant about the combination of the fusty old quill, and the mental/spiritualreflections which are pegged on that. Well done. (Incidentally, during my working life, I at one time had a quill prominently on my desk: the public were convinced anyway that the office lived in the nineteenth century, so I thought I might as well be damned for a sheep as a lamb)
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Oh, I do like this, yes, indeed! two humble suggestions, if I may, the two lines that in in "distilled" and "filled" do not, naturally, rhyme with the other lines that end with words ending "ill"... but that is very easily fixed. Something similar to:
"It rises where my dreams distil,
In ecstasy my heart to fill..."
This will give the poem an exceptional flow and sound. But, again, this is ONLY a suggestion on my part... an excellent write!
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Thanks so much for the con-crit. I'm not sure if I'll change it yet, but I appreciate the advice, it is a good suggestion. my main concern is that I would then be rhyming "fill" with "fill' in the same moment.
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Superb
Overall, a very good write. You may be correct in dropping the line you are concerned about for the poem flows smoother without it. You have expressed your thoughts quite well. Imagery; rhythm and rhyme are just fine. Thanks for sharing. -
What an unusual idea! What a beautiful incantation-like rhyme! I love the variation of rhyme that you've used: it's a very organic form.
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Graphic
It does seem to break the rhyme scheme but I like the image there and I don't think you want to rhyme fill with filled anyway. I like it. The message is very graphic and you can almost see it, like dumbledore pulling a thought from his mind and putting it into the pensive.
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I'm afraid I don't get the HP reference, never read them or saw them yet. But thanks for the kind review!
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I thought I answered this yesterday.
The rhyme scheme works. If you don't like line nine, change it. I have read tihs a few times and I think it would be lacking a line if it was removed completely.
This poem is a poet's poem with the ink and the quill and the idea of flowing words. They flow here. Very nice.
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Thanks for the review! I actually changed line 11 slightly and decided to keep 9. I think for now I'll leave the poem as is unless I get some more suggestions. Glad you liked it! Every poet should write a poem about poetry.
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