There is no beauty in a sunset
when you know your eyes will slip shut,
and a temporary coma
turns to a fearful incubus that is endless.
No lifeless breath can be felt,
as you push your way through translucent air,
making a mark upon every particle of mind,
every fantasy of tomorrow
is turned over, and heated
over an open flame.
As I lay my head down,
you creep through my ears and melt the scenery,
twisting its contents, contorting faces,
silently smirking to yourself
while watching an imagination
become a field of chaos.
I feel your presence when creativity can't escape.
It's silver beauty is no match for a terroristic sandman,
whose only hope of seeing color
is to darken the dreams of the weary.
Then again, who am I to point a finger,
when loss of control comes with a price that I must pay?
Author notes
October 22, 2009... This is about having nightmares and thinking the sandman is a terrorist... when really, it is the narrator's own fault and there is no realization of this until the ending. I guess I wanted to write something I could relate to. When I get angry, I play the blame game sometimes. In this case, the night terrors are being blamed on a fictional sandman.
*POM Contest*
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM - by Bear by Arkbear.
2000 points, ended November 1, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
PLEASE be HONEST when commenting my writing. Tell me I SUCK, if that's what you think.
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Out Standing
your title is perfect for capturing the body
of this beauty penned, and as smooth as silk brushing
across satin skin, your depth is just remarkable
and so thought provolking.
your work has such an incrediable influence
that one can’t disregard for being brilliant,
well done Poet and Good Luck in the contest
Love and blessings
Rend
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Hmm . . . my first thought was with the title . . . thinking that Affect should be Effect, but I screw the two up all the time, so I cannot be 1000% sure, so I'll just leave that be
I think you could do even more work with cutting back fillers . . . just for a brief example, the first line:
No beauty in a sunset,
You've just cut out two extra words that my mind has to process. At least, that's how *I* see it . . . and God only knows how right *I* am, LOL.
Overall? I was enraptured, too. These are just little nitpicky things
Best wishes,
Zach Estel. -
Right from the beginning, your words captured me and did not let me go until the very last word - That is how you get my attention -
My brother and I saw the Sandman one night......I was 7 & he was 9....and he had a black tall hat on....a small cane in his hand, and a leather-looking bag in the other.....it was tied up with a burlaptype string....and he was floating sorta sideways in front of our bed....and when we both sat up...he drifted toward the stairs, looked back and went down them......we ran to my parents bedroom and they never believed us -
You brought back many memories......I guess a tad creepy now that I think about it......BOO!
This write has all the ingredients to win a contest such as this....all I can do from here is to get it on my board and go from there....I wish you the best here
Bear -
Title 9.95....I would click on this Title..... VERY Creative.....NOT using *The* would have raised a ( 10 ) from me -
Flow 10....great Flow...pun.c's are used wisely and appropriately....not often do I give a 10 here -
Depth 9.85.. ....for only 22 L's allotted to you....you made the best of them....I just felt it was a weee bit unfinished in Thought at the end....maybe that is a good thing? -
Theme 9.75..Creative.....but I have seen this Theme a time...or two....however...not done as well as this write -
Feelings 9.75...lacking in this area a bit.....sorta middle of the road for me...but....expressed really well -
Grammar 9.95....not often do I give a ( 10 ) in this category....and you almost got one....but I am looking for a tad more POWER in each L.....yours was to the point and gorgeous....but a bit soft at the same time....good job!
-Presentation 10...you broke up your thoughts into smaller and larger S's (S's = Stanzas )....and that helps the Flow....IMO -
Uncommonness...9.9..Theme has been done once before..but your approach is quite nice -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.90...I did ponder.....a lot -
Ability to follow Rules 10.0...nice job
-Bears Score: 99.05
Excellent work here Lisa.....I would not change a thing -
Good luck!
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HAHAH...
Thank you so much for your wonderful comments, Bear, they are greatly appreciated!
However, I would like to point out that my name is not Lisa. It's Amanda.
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Title: 9, I would read it by title
Flow: 8
Theme: 8
Feelings: 7
Grammar: 8
Presentation: 8
Uncommoness: 9
Sit and Ponder: 7
Depth: 8
Follow Instructions: 10
Total Points: 82
Michael
No editing once a Judge has touched your work - -
This is a beautiful write. I can relate to the bizarre nightmare I’ve had plenty! Glad you took the advice to get rid of some of the fillers. My only suggestion would be to possibly go back and try to reword some of the “sentences” so that they’re not sentences, especially the ones that run on from one line to the next. Does that make sense? The piece reads very story-like, and I know Bear takes off points for that. Good luck in the contest
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Aloha!
And since you want honesty...Get rid of a bunch of those "filler" words...before Bear starts counting! looks like "the" is your nemesis...get rid of those first...read it...and watch it flow better..
Best wishes in the contest and always! write on and on...
and
P.S. you don't have to listen to me...lol...just know what they like and want...
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hmm... Now that you mention it, maybe I could get rid of some of them...
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I really like this! I enjoyed the concept & imaged, very nicely done!
Best wishes in the contest!
~ Tim
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