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Hollow Grin

He lost his top!

Hands pushed inside
they begin moving around,

going in deeper
within his brain
scrapping & clawing

silent screams go unheard
final deed done.

Here lies Sammy E. Carving
he held all his guts
until the very end
a faithful leader
from his patch,

now whats left of him
lies on old newspapers
another soul gone.

He went first
sliced then diced
not once did he cry,


crooked smile now covers his face
as he waits to be joined
by the rest of his family.

Author notes

22 lines
*POM Contest*
A Carved Pumpkin

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 26 of 26

  • Rend the Veil gold member
    October 30

    Edit | Reply
    your title is so original! the flow of
    your work (the fuel) in your great wording that
    drives it to the finish and the theme even
    though common for this time of year
    makes it a very enjoyable read, well done
    Poet and Good Luck in the contest
    Love and blessings
    Rend


  • ZachP silver member
    October 29

    Edit | Reply
    I must say that you are a very brave young lady, to try your hand at the PO' contest, which is a place where many older poets dare not venture .

    You tell your story very well here! But you tell and not show, and you really do need a balance of the two. But this story is cute, very seasonal, and definitely made me smile. Your punctuation needs some work, as Uncle Bear outlined below. When you add proper punctuation, it makes the meaning of your poem *so* much clearer, and that much easier to read.

    You've taken a very creative take on the idea, making me think that any human who even carves a pumpkin is a serial killer -- at least in the pumpkin world!

    Thank you for sharing, Cherie! Best wishes
    Zach Estel.


  • Arkbear gold member
    October 29

    Edit | Reply

    Hello Genna

    When you get to **Here lies Samuel E. Carving, your punc.'s seem to have disappeared and it became quite choppy in Flow....for me -

    I would have CAPPED **Leader**, as you are using it as a Direct Noun

    *whats*  .....what's

    He went first....COMMA....

    sliced then diced...COMMA....

    CAP **crooked**

    You always bring us something enjoyable to read and you are not shy about getting Creative....and you know how much I enjoy Creativity

    Let my board say the rest....good luck!

    Uncle Bear -

     

    Title   9.05....I would click on this Title.....ONLY, because I know what time of year it is. -

    Flow  9.0....Could have been GREAT Flow with proper punc.'s used  -

    Depth   9.75.. ....for only 22 L's allotted, you might want to think about lengthening your L's next time in a written Format such as this....you can get a lot more info in your write and for the Readers -

    Theme  9.05..Creative ....ONLY for this time of year -

    Feelings   8.85...lacking in this area a bit....I believe you had more Showing (visuals), than Telling about Fellings -

    Grammar   9.5.....I find your grammar simple and to the point.....I believe it is time you began replacing some of those more common words with words that will make us stop and go....WOW! -

    Presentation   9.0...you broke up your thoughts into un-pronunciated S's (S's = Stanzas )....and that made it a tad more choppy for me -

    Uncommonness...9.0..Theme has been done soooo many times..but for this time of year it works.....however, I am still looking for that Creativite side of your mind, no matter what season it is - 

    Sit & Ponder Affect  9.0...I did ponder, but only briefly -

    Ability to follow Rules  10.0...nice job  -

    Bears Score:  92.2

    Not bad my little one

    Even though you were creative with your Theme, you still have to remember... this is the POM Contest, and sometimes a Common Theme just won't quite get you that Silver membership.....but it sure did make me smile

    Uncle Bear -


  • whyspr gold member
    October 28

    Edit | Reply
    Sunshine, I think your poem is great. The title is perfectly suited to it. I always have such a hard time with titles. You had me shivering for this poor little guy. I didn't start writing poetry until I was in my teens. I think it's great you have the love for and ability to express yourself in words.
    The last stanza tied this poem together perfectly. I wish you the best and good luck in the contest.


  • Frogzter gold member
    October 27

    Edit | Reply
    Love the title and your ability to follow the rules garners points as well. Some just can't seem to follow instructions. Your score is as follows. Nicely done~

    3rd stanza last line... should it not be scraping?

    Title....... 10
    Flow.......7
    Depth.....7
    Theme.... 8
    Feelings....8
    Grammar....8
    Presentation....8
    Uncommoness... 8
    Sit and Ponder.... 7
    Rules........10

    Your total: 81

    Good luck and best wishes,

    Frogz~


  • MichaelSavage gold member
    October 27

    Edit | Reply
    Title: 10, very nice title
    Flow: 8
    Theme: 8
    Feelings: 8
    Grammar: 9
    Presentation: 9
    Uncommoness: 8
    Sit and Ponder: 6
    Depth: 7
    Follow Instructions: 10

    Total Points: 83
    Very good job little one!!! Keep it up.

    Michael
    No editing once a Judge has touched your work -


  • Mirthryl
    October 26

    Edit | Reply
    Love your title! Enjoyable tale with the touch of grossness that fits in with the Halloween season. Very nice "scrapping and clawing" and "a faithful leader from his patch." Keep writing!


  • Paloszoo gold member
    October 26

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, are you really 9 years old? Such wonderful talent shown here in this cute and original poem. Great imagery, as well. I love it. Very befitting for the Halloween season! Good luck in the contest!


  • Xianaria gold member
    October 24

    Edit | Reply
    I enjoyed this! You always have a knack for giving a vivid voice to subjects such as this! Best wishes in the contest!

    ~ Tim


  • lilangelsnemesis gold member
    October 22

    Edit | Reply
    Very nice. I don't think I'll be carving a pumpkin now this year. I will hearing it screaming at me. lol! I love the description and the unique way you chose to write about carving a pumpkin!


  • Poetic-Theorem silver member
    October 22

    Edit | Reply
    Very creative take on the prompt
    The imagery is awesome
    Sammy E. Carving
    Keep up the brilliant writing
    Wish you the best in the contest

    David


  • islekine gold member
    October 22

    Edit | Reply

    Cute!

    Nice to see your talent again! Happy Halloween! Hope you have fun...and get lots of goodies!
    Keep up the great writes!
    s
    and

    Auntie Julie

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