waking up to another rainy day
where grey skies overcome the sun
and the feeling of the walls closing in
creep upon you
so you find someplace else to be
it doesn't matter where it is
as long as it's not those same four walls
that you've been staring at for the last month
you need to find a release
for that pent up aggression
otherwise you might just explode
yes..
get past those clenched teeth
and learn to relax
why?
because life isn't worth
going through and staying angry
one needs to smile
and sometimes yes
smell the roses.
Oct. 21, 2009
In a list
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Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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purrs softly with thoughts of been there and done that...anger, hurt then inner sadness can eat the life right out of you..i agree you have to get up, get moving and get on with life...i like the way you think snake i sure d
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Good, Good!!
Life's too short to be pissed off all the time. I like the message in this poem. Very good.
Jani
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Stop saying "why?" in your poetry! It's becoming annoying! Most poets that write freeverse do that! Try making it into something more aggressive, make the reader become the person with built up emotions inside. Make the reader feel the same thing the person in the poem feels. Make them feel, make them see, have a connection with them.
It's in you! I know it is! You have to dig him up and pull him out of his grave! Do it now!
Ok. This is what I would write.
waking up to another rainy day
where grey skies overcome the sun
and the feeling of the walls closing in
creep upon me
so the skies become another dreary place in desolation
the unreleased emotions beg to escape, but
I dare not let that happen
the four walls have been closing around, getting closer
with each passing breath and silent day
relaxation would be so nice, but I mustn't,
no, I mustn't go there
I would hurt myself even more, or would I?
the scent of roses drift throughout the
room in my riany and cloudy, very lonely, day
if only someone were here with me...
Whoa. I noticed that I changed the entire meaning of it. My bad... But that's my revision. You can make your own and work yourself up to a better knowledge and skill level.
Keep penning brother!
•*~♥
Dax&heaarts;~*•
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Stop say WHy?
I like the original more than your rewrite Dax. The original had a strong release of thought and most importantly, its in 3rd person where you've changed the perspective to FIrst person, ie., "i mustn't" , no "I mustn't"..Its very kind of you to offer the advise of don't use "Why" so much. Perhaps SW is guilty of that, I don't know, but that on its own is good advice. To avoid repeated structures and formats that tend to clone our poetry with the same sort of formula or commonly used words or phrases that seem to show up in our poems.
I like the advice and I'm going to watch out for my own work's. I know I reused a line last week....but I think its ok...just once
Yes....Smell the roses; I never get tired of hearing that! Darmok -
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what neither of you are seeing is that I'm talking to my audience. it's nice not to repeat certain sayings within a piece... and neither of you are reading the full context of the piece. without it the poem in it's meaning would miss what I'm trying to say
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that's why most of the time I don't rewrite...because if i changed it... I would lose my original context of my thoughts
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