I.
It keeps happening! Can I stop it? Maybe, if I tried, I don’t know, I can’t think right now I’m tired I’m hung-over and I want to go to bed but I also don’t because its so bloody early! But everywhere –literally, everywhere- reminders are up in the air! It sickens me, I wish it didn’t exist but now I’m not going to go into ancient history here. Actually I’ll go into recent history, very recent history, something I can’t understand why I haven’t done before. It all starts weeks ago, weeks ago before everything even started. Before this, this new life that we were meant to embark on. I’m in the pub with Louise Carter drinking smoking laughing having fun. The drama that night was amazing Ciara Branson, James McKeever, laughter, talking, music inside, suddenly someone spills something.
2.
Sian’s last night! Sian is going to Galway, far away to study German and whatever else she wants. Arts course, easy degree, “wasters” degree: I don’t agree. Languages are useful, useful for employment, communication we wouldn’t be able to do anything without communication in the world. Romy Taylor is with me and we’re talking and drinking and Louise Carter comes up I say hi, hug. Jade occasionally appears, we chat and catch up. Old times, good times: good friends, old friends, all surrounding me now.
3.
Speaking to Ciara Branson, haven’t really done it before. Maybe it’s true, maybe she’s not so bad. Rumors move through Drogheda like horrible winds of ice, but I know not all rumors are true. I don’t even like calling it Drogheda I call it Sham City, much like Kanye West’s “Homecoming” of course it sounds like he’s saying “and I say Sham City” but he’s not but it sounds like that so I think Drogheda when I hear Kanye West’s music. Good old Kayne West.
4.
Afterwards go inside, listen to music, talk to Louise Carter. Grope, straddle her on the bench, lets meet for the craic like. A big drama ensues suddenly James and Ciara Branson, anger between them both, James put gum in Ciara’s hair and God only fucking knows what Ciara did toJames. That James of ours. Bloody Anne Guiler lost her taxi money the stupid bitch, “Can I please get a taxi with you?” Humanitarian that I am I think okay why not, might be fun the stupid bitch hasn’t paid me back. It’s a good thing I don’t have access to a gun!
5.
Sitting with Louise Carter suddenly all goes quiet and everyone’s speaking. In the distance was the first time I saw him walking away; tall, wearing some kind of canvas jacket or hoodie I’m not sure. I don’t know, doesn’t matter. Leave the pub sitting with Anne Guiler and James McKeever and a host of other people –Louise Carter and Gussy are there too!- we’re sitting talking eating mmm I love kebabs could do with one now. Could do with a drink, go out for a smoke and get a taxi with Anne Guiler and Gerald McDonagh. I hate Anne Guiler what a bitch! Get out of the taxi, they go to Mornington. Home, sleep…
5.
Next night Hayley and I go to Andrea's eighteenth. I saw him again he came in he was tall like before, checkered blue-and-black shirt, much like the ones I tend to wear… I like his face his eyes he’s pretty I want him… Outside having a smoke, Andrea's parents a bit iffy so me and Hayley are quiet, sneaky even. Throw the cigarette butts over the wall and don’t say anything. Make sure you put them out first!
6.
Kyle his name is Kyle I’m speaking to him he’s speaking to me we’re having a conversation. We’re going to the same college interesting, at least I know one other person. College starts two weeks from now I’m talking to Kyle suddenly everyone goes inside. Kyle asks a personal question I answer. I’m overcome I want him now we go behind a marquee I kiss him he kisses me, I hold him close we keep kissing we kiss and kiss and kiss…
7.
I want him I miss him he’s far away now… Where? Difficult to talk, text, organize a meet up I don’t know something! Bad luck, all the time, next time I see him we’re in college I have new friends he has new friends we’re talking talking but I miss him I want him I hug him first time I see him at the university.
8.
Weeks pass, talking, jesting, learning… So much to learn, so much to tell. What are you, where are you from? Yearning grows stronger he grows on my mind I want him, I want to lie close to him I don’t want it to end.
9.
This never goes further.
10.
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! I hate this feeling, I hate this concept, “love” is a painful shadow it should have light shed upon it I can’t bear this anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore but he keeps playing in my mind, invites me now and then is he interested? All I think about is Kyle, Kyle, Kyle… His eyes, his face, his voice… The way he kisses I want to pin him down and take him with me, I want to lie with him until the morning sunlight creaks through the curtains. I’m sitting here I’m smoking I’m writing glass of wine would do good, got vodka in the cupboard keep that for the weekend.
11.
Vodka, drinking with Tara and Hayley. Text Kyle why do I keep doing this? I did it again last night, he told me to go to bed… I just like him so much. I want to hold his hand, I want to lie next to him. Why? Why? Why? I hate this whole thing!
12.
He’s going to disappear like everyone did, I hate it, this “love” thing no I don’t love him but it’s the concept you know what I mean! I’m tired of this crap, why does it have to exist? All it does is serve to emotionally torment me. Everything reminds me of him. His voice. Even the name “Kyle” common enough and brings me back to him I despise it! I want it out of me! Love is a demon that creeps up and takes you down. It is a horrible disease I would rather burn myself!
13.
If I lived in a different era it would be more difficult, back in the eighteenth century difficult but not uncommon! You could be put in prison for what Kyle and I did. Just kissing, just holding hands but illegal back in those days –still looked down upon now- because we both have dicks.
Fuck you!
I want him, and HIM sums it up perfectly:
I dream what you’re dreaming,
And see what you’re seeing
Love’s our shadow on the wall
With the Face of… God.
Fuck you love!!
Adding your comment: