Day One.
Sitting here waiting for the results.
It's driving me nuts, I can hear them all walking, talking.
As if they are avoiding my room, avoiding telling me.
My thoughts racing with what ifs.
What if I'm dying.
What if there's nothing at all they can do.
My thought's were racing, my heart felt as if it had stopped breathing.
I hear the door open, I saw the face of my doctor.
He was trying to keep his composer as he sat down.
It looked to me as he was trying to find the words,
To tell me what was wrong with me.
I watched all his movements,
I was waiting for him to tell me.
I could feel my patience slipping with every minute.
He waiting that he keep putting it off.
I wanted to know, I had to know.
For myself, for my family.
They were all worried.
As was I thought I played it off as if it was nothing.
Then his mouth opened, he started to speak.
He said my name I leaned forward.
He looked at me in my eyes, he could tell I was already freaked out,
From the silence he had me in.
He said he was sorry, and then he told me.
He to that I had cancer, a type called,
That I had Pancreatic, and only a year to live,
At the most.
My world felt like it had stopped.
I felt faint just sitting there on the examination table.
All I knew after feeling that way
Was that my world went black.
In my dreams I watched my children,
I watched as they laughed and played.
As I and their dad played with them.
Remembering those days now, they make me wish.
It's been a month since I found out,
About my cancer and how long I had.
They are trying every way to make my life longer.
Though what their doing makes me weak and tired.
I can only watch as my husband plays without kids.
He tries to be brave for me and them.
He shouldn't have to go though this with me, nor should they.
I've told him that he could leave, that he could divorce me.
I told him I would understand.
Who wants to be with a deathly sick person.
Who wants to see the person they love dying in front of them.
I've been in denial, I've been in anger.
My denial with my disease.
My anger with God.
I ask why, everyday.
Why has this become of me.
Why was I the one that had to get ill.
My girls are all I think about.
I don't want to leave them.
It makes me anger that I will.
I am so mad,
At myself,
At God.
At everything usually.
I want this to go away,
I try to play as if it's not there.
But that's my denial speaking.
I've tried to play with my girls.
I want to play with my girls.
I want to do all the things I once did.
I want to be able to be with my husband.
I hate this disease.
It's day 134 since we found out about my cancer now.
I can see the sadness in my girls eyes.
I can't find the heart to tell them, anything about what's going on.
I hate that they see me this way.
I haven't told anyone not even Adam,
That what the doctors told me.
That the treatments are slowly not working as much as they should be.
I can't find the heart to tell them.
I can't find the courage to.
I want to deny that it's the truth.
But, I'm so tired these days.
I can't even stay awake long enough to watch my girls play.
These days pass now by so fast.
I wonder maybe in hope that this will cure.
But, that's just my denial talking.
I've grown to hate God.
I've stopped praying,
I have no hope in him.
I've prayed for months wishing,
For my answers to my prayers.
It's day 200,
Their starting to say I might die sooner.
The treatments have almost stopped working altogether.
I'm worried, since I told my girls and my husband.
I know I'm worried about them.
I've started to accept my fate,
But I don't want to leave them.
My girls are only six and eight.
I know my husband will be alright with time.
I know he will find another even if he tells me he won't.
I know him to well, someone has to be there to keep him in line.
I try to smile and laugh, but there usually fake.
My feelings are numb, because I've ran out of tears on day one.
I've made it this far, sometimes I really hope I'll make it,
Past the mark the set for me.
My one year.
It's slowly creeping up on us.
Oh its day 346,
My body is weaker,
My mind still strong its always on the move,
Even when I'm not.
I barely have the strength anymore to move from my bed.
I get tired just from moving my arm.
They told me the treatments have completely stopped working.
I never leave the house now.
I told my doctors that I didn't want to go into the hospital.
If I die I want to die at home.
I want to die where if I don't leave,
I can watch my girls grow up.
Where they can feel my presence.
Where my husband should he never find love again.
Know that I'm always there with him.
Where I can lay my spirit next to him.
Where I can watch my girls sleep.
Watch them play.
Watch them become wonderful little young ladies.
And wish I could be there to help them though their troubles.
I had my husband move me to the couch today,
It's been a year now.
I made it, but I'm still so weak.
I wanted a change of scenery from our room.
It's a wonderful summer day outside,
I'm sitting from our couch watching my girls.
Their outside playing with their father.
Their running around, laughing I can hear those laughs I love.
I see those smile I love.
I feel so tired,
So weak.
I know, I know now that it's my time.
My time to go.
I saw them grow a year older,
I hear, I watched, I miss them.
I whisper my goodbyes and I love yous.
I lay down and look around the house once more.
That when I drift off into my deep sleep.
- Writers Block Group group list • next in list
- Todays Poem group list • next in list
A contest entry
- What If You Were Dying? (Big Points) by SamanthaSam.
1100 points, ended October 22, 16 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Round 1: Something Amazing by lesbian-in-love.
900 points, ended November 6, 44 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything & Everything!!! by Sheilasbabygal4life.
700 points, ended November 10, 159 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - she only sleeps when it's raining . by she still smiles x.
2400 points, ended November 26, 46 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think?
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
-
Oh wow, this was absolutely breathtaking and phenomenal
I don't even know what to say except that it brought tears to my eyes and tugged violently at my heartstrings.
Thanks so much for entering my contest and God Bless you for writing such an amazing piece.
Happy Thanksgiving!!
♥
-
My thought's were racing, my heart felt as if it had stopped breathing.
very very powerful line.. this almost brought me to tears.. idk if you believe in reincarnation but i do and i have been fortunate enough to remember bits and pieces of past lives. i remember one where i had cancer and i remember the toll it had on me bc i had it when i was 17, ironically enough the same age i am now, but i only lived a little over a year so this piece really hit me hard. you did amazing and if this is something you are going thru my blessings are upon you as my thoughts with you -
I am speechless. This brought tears to my eyes. My grandma passed away two years ago from Leukemia, and i always wonder what it felt like to her. When she was diagnosed, she started going to church, and really believing in God. I hope one day I see her again.
For the criticism...(as requested)
Some of the lines were a bit confusing. I sat here trying to interpret them, wondering if maybe it was a typo.
I loved how you set it up, with the time frame, and really dug into the feelings of the character. She was tired, weak, and angry. You really put that out there, which is always a great thing. It puts emotion into the poem.
Along with the emotions, you included thoughts about how the character feels about leaving her family.
All in all, i think it is a great piece. I started to cry.
-
Wow. Just wow. I can't believe this doesn't have more comments! And you put alot of effort into making it be a great story. You must have. Or else all the famous poets in the world are going to have some serious competition.
Good luck in the contest!
Vhoori
-
-
Thanks! I'm glad you think about this great. I did put a couple of hours into it [im not bragging] This is my longest poem ever that I've wrote. I'm glad that you think I can give some of the famous poets in the world some serious comp. Thanks for that. I'm glad you think so.
~ Cassi
-
-
omg wicked poem, its so lovely, gave me the chills..
-
Very good descriptive imagery...I found it hard to read in that I have a brother that has been battling a severe illness...A bit too hard to absorb...but well done!
-
This was really descriptive and it was good storytelling
-
This was a nicely done piece of work you have written here. This had a amazing flow too it as well. I enjoyed reading this. Thanks for entering and best of luck too you in the contest.
-
This was really good and very enjoyable to read. It was well done. I like it. Thanks so much for entering and best of luck to you in the contest. You are going on to round 2.
-
This one made me cry with a lot of emotions. You covered very well what I asked for, so many emotions packed into this poem. You did an awesome job. It would be very hard to leave your children behind, I can only imagine how hard. You portrayed this time period so well and explained the different thoughts and feelings you were having as you went through the poem and time I had given you. The end was so sad and well done too. Keep on penning. Thank you for entering and good luck in my contest.
Sam I Am
Adding your comment:
1 - 11 of 11
