SETTING: A quiet kitchen at six in the evening. MIRANDA sits at the table alone. Her hands nervously wander down her stiff red dress, smoothing out any creases they find. She starts to stand, thinks for a moment, then sits back down.
MIRANDA: [under her breath] He should be here by now... I don't want...
Three quick knocks sound at the door and MIRANDA jerks to her feet. She peers through the peephole to be safe before turning the locks and opening the door. DEREK stands before her, looking tired but content.
DEREK: Good evening, sweetheart.
MIRANDA: [anxiously] Hello. Won't you come inside?
DEREK takes the hint and strides in. She hastily shuts and locks the door then follows him over to the table.
DEREK: What's for supper?
MIRANDA: Just sandwiches, if that's okay. It's been a long day.
DEREK: [very slowly] Did you stay home today?
MIRANDA sighs softly and nods. Silence is the dominant force in the room as she walks over to the counter and carefully opens the bread box. DEREK takes a breath, too loudly, for the words he'd wanted to say have been scared away at the sound he made. Meanwhile, she sets the bread out on plates.
MIRANDA: What will you have on yours?
DEREK: [softly, knitting his fingers together] Doesn't matter. I'm not picky.
MIRANDA: Sorry this didn't turned out to be a cozy, romantic dinner.
DEREK: It doesn't matter. [smiling slightly] We're together, aren't we? That's romantic enough for me.
DEREK strides over to stand next to her and places his hand at her waist. At first she cringes and ignores his touch, but a few moments pass and she forgets what she was worrying about, leaning into his side.
MIRANDA: What toppings will you have?
DEREK: [teasing] Who calls them "toppings"? Isn't that what goes on ice cream? [playfully poking her cheek]
MIRANDA: And what would you call them? [grinning in spite of herself]
DEREK: I call them lettuce, tomato, pickle, and onions.
MIRANDA: Well! [laughing] Aren't you an intellect?
DEREK: I try.
MIRANDA: [turning slightly so her nose brushes his cheek] Well mister, you--
Their playful banter cuts off abruptly at the sound of a car pulling into the driveway. MIRANDA's eyes widen and her hands freeze in place.
DEREK: [hurriedly] Guess I have to go. Call me when you get the chance, please? Love you.
He dashes from her side to the back door where he makes his escape. It's hard for MIRANDA to ignore the pulsating space he left behind or the warmth that followed him out. Her hands begin to shake, but she can't seem to make her feet move.
Footsteps pound on the walkway to the front door. MIKE slips his key in and throws the door open.
MIKE: [sarcastically with an unmistakable slur] Aw, hunny, are you making those for me?
MIRANDA would respond - it's what he prefers - but her mouth is malfunctioning as well, so she stares at the fading wallpaper as he makes his way over and tears the bread from her hands.
MIKE: [angrily] You will answer me when I talk to you! Understand?
She cannot form a reply, so he grabs her arm tightly, demanding her compliance. She finally finds her strength and tries to struggle free, but she's forgotten - it only makes things worse.
Author notes
prompt: bring out a flaw in society
miranda cheats on mike (her husband) with derek. however, the only reason she is cheating is because mike is abusive & she is looking for love in someone else because she knows he's no longer capable of it towards her. so it's a complicated issue.
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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desperation
Requirements met: 10/10
Content/Creativity: 9/10
Spelling/Diction: 10/10
Punctuation/Syntax: 9/10
Quality of main theme: 9/10
Quality of storyline: 8/10
Quality of characters: 8/10
Transition, flow, development: 8/10
Emotion/Reaction: 9/10
Overall quality of script: 9/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/5
Total: 90/100
To use Miranda's words....this could use more toppings. You skimmed the surface and set up a good premise, but it needed something more
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desperation -
Requirements met: 10/10
Content/Creativity: 9/10
Spelling/Diction: 10/10
Punctuation/Syntax: 9/10
Quality of main theme: 9/10
Quality of storyline: 9/10
Quality of characters: 8/10
Transition, flow, development: 8/10
Emotion/Reaction: 8/10
Overall quality of script: 9/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/5
Total: 89/100
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90
somewhere near the beginning, you said "turned" when it should be "turn".
Requirements met: 10/10
Content/Creativity: 9/10
Spelling/Diction: 9/10
Punctuation/Syntax: 10/10
Quality of main theme: 9/10
Quality of storyline: 9/10
Quality of characters: 8/10
Transition, flow, development: 9/10
Emotion/Reaction: 8/10
Overall quality of script: 9/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/5
Total: 90/100
This is a new rubric, so don't let the score discourage you. I thought this was really good. It's something I can relate to, so it spoke to me. I was hoping for stronger characterization I suppose, something that gave your characters more spark, that made me want to know more about them. There was mysteriousness in Miranda's silence, so that made me wonder what she was thinking and feeling and how she would solve the problem, but that didn't come to the end. You certain got the problem down, but I was wondering how she would solve it. I actually think, with the way you have done this, it could be something awesome if developed into something bigger - something important, something worth writing about because this a major problem in society.
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I like the feel in this one- great choice of flaw in society. There is a real feeling of despair, even between her and Derek- it doesn't seem the steamy affair, but like you said, a desperate attempt to feel love that she doesn't get from her husband.
Nicely done!
Best wishes,
K
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This is gorgeous, love. Only one thing-- "cuts-off", in this instance, should be "cuts off", shouldn't it? Seriously, though-- you're gonna ANNIHILATE ME DOWN TO MY EVERY LAST CELL.
But I don't mind, really.
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