your lips seared a promise
when they met mine in the dark
that once I'd breathed you in for the first time
the day I tried to exist without you in me
would never make it onto the pages of my journal
you coursed through my arteries
altering every fragment of my self
with your iniquitous intentions
and told me what it's like
to diffuse into oblivion and apathy
and I wanted to be like you
who could always burn and illuminate
but I was xenon.
nonreactive.
what sounded like amorous whispers
was just me suffocating
as I tried to barricade my esophagus
because I'd rather drown and fill my lungs with water
than take one more hit of you
so with my violet-staining lips,
I know that soon
you'll burn me away, too.
A contest entry
- i've got nearly eighteen years of knowledge. by winterbound..
400 points, ended November 24, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Any thoughts? Suggestions?
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Ooh I love this! Have to say I decided I'd like your poetry after seeing that you like owl city and had an Edmund Burke quote. :-D Not going to get carried away with suggestions on this one, I think it's great. I love the chemistry references btw! Love the concept of the piece and the strength with which you conveyed your idea. Nice write!
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alright, so. i love this. muchly.
i can't give very helpful criticism; i think parts of this have more "pizazz" (lol) and are more unique and creative than other parts. the last stanza is amazing, and the one before it, and the lines
"but i was xenon.
nonreactive."
but above that, it doesn't seem to jump out as much. it's a little bland, and doesn't measure up to the rest.
i know that's probably not very specific. i really like this as it is, and i think a tiny bit more editing or rewording will make it feel "finished," as you said.
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you got mine.
and i love this so much.
thanks.
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Aw, I'm glad you like it. I didn't realize that the songs, truths and lies were being switched around. I can't find mine though.
but thanks for the applause!
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oh, yeah. i put that on the original thing but i guess she didn't copy it into there.
you're so welcome.
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song: naked as we came, iron and wine
two truths and one lie;
i am terrified of heights.
i don't know if i believe in god or not, and sometimes i can't help thinking that i don't deserve to, since i never went to church.
i've never had a real kiss.
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