its three o'clock in the morning
i can't bring myself to sleep
your arms should be around me
and bliss, our dreams should keep
but seldom do i ever get
the embrace i yearn for so much
i find myself without a smile
til i fell your gentle touch
staring at this vacant ceiling
while laying in my bed
no matter what i try to think of
your voice appears in my head
my mind won't stop racing
at the very thought of you
i gaze in wonder at the empty room
hoping you may miss me too
the sunshine slowly spills
across my lonely sheets
here's to another night
that passes without sleep
....
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I really enjoyed the line "sunshine slowly spills/ across my lonely sheets". Alliteration, and just a really powerful verb. =]
It's really weird seeing you rhyming. o.o;; Not bad, but strange.
Line 8 should be "feel" =]
Also it seems there are a few minor snags in rhythm. lines 6, 12, and 13 seem particularly awkward in reading. 6 seems like it should be a teensy bit shorter, perhaps by removing "so"? You might consider "is" instead of "appears" in line 12. And line 13 I might suggest "my mind 'just' won't stop racing". Good work overall. Keep it up. = -
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i know the flow was a bit weird. i wasnt really concerned w the flow this time around. i was too tired to fix it when i wrote & posted it. i'm kinda satisfied w it tho. & thx for the critism
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"the sunshine slowly spills
across my lonely sheets
here's to another night
that passes without sleep"
that was the best part ever!
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You never sleep alone.
Britta.
You've done an amazing write again.
Noone ever sleeps alone.
As long as you think of them as your laying there.
then they are there in spirit,
in soul.
Remember that.
If you love them as much as you portray here.
they're never to far away.....
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this is so true i totally agree with you
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