Background vocal:
Give you the color pencils
let me paint a portrait.
V1:
A sea of colors,
without the rainbow,
I splash on paints from
cobblestone sidewalks.
Why is my dress so muddy?
Step on puddles, it's another storm.
C1:
Just a portrait
forever gray
lying in the pocket
of an endless day
Am I just blind?
Can you see it too?
Shooting stars
still passing through
V2:
October is here,
absent from summer,
I dance with stars through
dandelion meadows.
Why are my shoes falling?
Jump on leaf piles, it's not winter.
C2:
Just a portrait
forever gray
lying in the pocket
of an endless day
Am I just blind?
Can you see it too?
Shooting stars
still passing through
V3:
Hush now,
it's only photographs,
colored in white and black.
Gray Gray Gray
Just a portrait
Background vocal:
Give you the paper stars,
let me fly to the moon.
Author notes
Lyric: Me
Vocal/Guitar: Jennifer
Listen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5GcQcNfk9Rs
Prompt: Current Affairs
Basic tools:
http://www.wikihow.com/Write-Song-Lyrics
http://www.essortment.com/all/howtowriteson_rqjw.htm
http://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Write-Lyrics-For-a-Song&id=425997
suggestion for future challenges: write something memorable in one sentence
A contest entry
- The Ultimate La-La Challenge: Round 8 - Top Ten by Laura Lamarca.
1150 points, ended October 28, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Suggestions?
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Very nicely done and the fact the you U-tubed it is awesome!!! My cousin is writing music to one of my other songs I can't wait to hear it.
Well done and best of luck... Scott
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Colorless Portrait
First impression: 8/10
Relative to prompt: 10/10
Creativity with prompt: 10/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 10/10
Flow, Melody/Rhythm etc: 10/10
Cohesion: 5/5
Use of poetic device in general: 10/10
Poet's personal effort: 10/10
Song's "profound" effect: 8/10
Rules followed: 5/5
Last impression: 9/10
Extra credit points:
Sportsmanship to fellow competitors: 5/5
Points for stepping away from comfort zone: 5/5
Respectful behaviour towards judges at all times: 5/5
Total score: 110/115
Wow. You really went to the top for this one. How utterly beautiful. Thank you. ~Pamela
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There is some lovely imagery in this song. The metaphor is strong throughout and the feeling is perfect for this type of song. I enjoyed hearing it performed too. Peace, Liz
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I am so impressed that you actually recorded this for UTube. Congratulations on a wonderful song and a terrific entry in this round.
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First impression: 8/10
Relative to prompt: 8/10
Creativity with prompt: 10/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 10/10
Flow, Melody/Rhythm etc: 10/10
Cohesion: 5/5
Use of poetic device in general: 10/10
Poet's personal effort: 10/10
Song's "profound" effect: 8/10
Rules followed: 5/5
Last impression: 9/10
Extra credit points:
Sportsmanship to fellow competitors: 5/5
Points for stepping away from comfort zone: 5/5
Respectful behaviour towards judges at all times: 5/5
Total score: 108/115
V1...i take the point with Naridill - "the cobblestones" is what i heard, yet not what i see written - what i heard is better with the inclusion of it, in my opinion. You worked bloody hard on producing a tune to go with these lyrics & my hat's off to you for it...very creative indeed. Well done.
laura.
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"I splash on paints from
cobblestone sidewalks."
I believe your musical song has a 'the' between lines.
"Am just blind" - does it say that in musical version?
I would suggest just one 'Gray' instead of three, I just feel they seem to be dragged out and not forced but an effort to let out. Apart from that - this is beautifully scribed, I adore the chorus, it sings and reads so well and I feel you picked the best to be the chorus. A touching and melodic piece.
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Oh my gosh!!!! You are just fabulous!
That was soooo good! Loved it!
Very impressive... yup, there goes the competition!
Kris
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Yay
You have it to music already
Awesome lyrics! What more can I say? It's excellent and your future is all mapped out for you
Best wishes with this challenge'Gaylene
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gorgeous song : )
I enjoyed listening to it : )
on top of the comment i already posted
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V2: is -- > are ?
I think it could work without "now" -
"falling" is present tense...so having now is just a word that's not needed - in this particular context. (in my opinion anyway...)
Other than that...I agree with Kris, you have a unique, consistent voice that stands out among the contestants here. You're versatile, and whether you win the whole contest or not, that's a win in itself.
I liked the metaphorical sophistication here.
Good luck!
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I just love the way you write! Whether its lyrics, form or freeverse you have such a wonderful style! I LOVE your chorus- memorable, singable.
Nicely done and in your own voice
Kris
Oh, and I hope that we don't have to write something memorable in one sentence- that would be the end of me! Lol.
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That really is stunning, just how song lyrics should be. I'd love to hear it to music, but when I saw the prompt ' Current Affairs ' I got a bit lost
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I'd listen to that. Amazing lyrics.
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awwww
this is gorgeous!
"dandelion-dotted
meadows. "
and
"Give you the paper stars,
let me fly to the moon."
are my favorite parts I'm not usually much of a song person cause usually i find them repetitive but i felt like you had a lot to say with this beautiful piece
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Whoa.
The imagery here is AMAZING! So many colors and destinations!
I looooooooooove it! Brilliant write hun
bravo and best of wishes
♥ kate
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