tightened the noose furrowed,
forming past chords long wished forgot
and last breaths…
time trimming never-white nails
honing bone till marrow paled
— oozing, half weight, to morrow
more pudgy, wet leaves,
spiritually exorcised,
growing ever rotund— yet,
like the damp grass;
too low, too heavy to fall
regardless
of any such autumn sown breeze
treading tears…
saturation feeding condemnation
to sloth worms,
deliberately roving indolent teats
to suckle blind— discrepancy;
... and whether it was reigning,
we watched light lean from eye-full towers,
while our mouths moved, lying tangled under Yew
Author notes
"Ok... I admit it... I'm three words over. Boo me don't DQ me... it's almost Halloween."
PROMPT;
"A cry will ascend to heaven
It will cut through hosts of angels
Feather-flesh will shriekingly fall
from the top of the clouds onto my childhood."
- Rammstein
"You have to understand that 99 percent of the people don't understand the lyrics, so you have to come up with something to keep the drama in the show. We have to do something. We like to have a show; we like to play with fire. We do have a sense of humor. We do laugh about it; we have fun... but we're not Spinal Tap. We take the music and the lyrics seriously. It's a combination of humor, theater and our East German culture, you know?"
"Our music is made to release aggression, and people listening to it are also needed to do that, but it's not our fault. Should we stop making hard music because bad people might like it?"
(Christoph "Doom" Schneider: drums and electronic percussion).
my take on the prompt: an unaswered prayer poses society as the blame for human frailty
poem notes:
verse one: regret, frustration and despair
"forming past cords long wished forgotten last breaths"
verse two: being completely surrounded by apathetic hopelessness
"oozing half-way tomorrow"
verse three: all faith being lost, the great hole of depression takes hold
verse four: acceptance
final verse: suicide by hanging... or hope found in the comforting arms of a lover...
"and weather... it was raining;
we watched lightening from eifel towers
while our mouths moved, lying tangled under you"
choose wisely.
A contest entry
- Semi Quickie - Judged Tomorrow. by Naridill.
400 points, ended October 26, 8 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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I really like the manipulation of phonics in this piece. Especially in the second and last verses. It causes the reader to pause and reread and find what the hidden meaning is. I rarely read poems aloud, but this definitely appears to be a tongue twister.
I really like the image of this:
"more pudgy, wet leaves,
spiritually exorcised,
growing ever rotund"
it's nothing like I ever read before, and it's very vivid. Personally it reminds me of the floods we have by my neighborhood before the snow starts.
I'm glad you placed in the contest, it was very Very deserving. :-)
Sorry I haven't been really responsive or critiquing your work lately, I've been lazy. I'm trying to get out of neutral, though.
I like the metaphor, the way it can be taken literally, and applauded just for the imagery, or looked into deeper and applauded again for the meaning behind it.
And I love Rammstein; you did the quote justice, sir.
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There is a great play on words throughout this piece. Your imagery is abstract and truly intriguing, allowing someone who tries, to simply sink into the depths. Very well composed piece, unique and certainly poignant!
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You imagery and choice of words is stunning.
"sloth worms"
"autumn sown breeze"
You capture such intensity.
p.s everyone knows I can't count.
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