Silence hovered.
The suspension of sound settled
deep in my soul's city
and emptiness spun across my tongue,
less substantial than air.
Suffocating, forsaken, I choked
on my speechlessness.
You alighted beside me with
a roar of words
shattering the glass terrain between
my voice and me.
You whispered my name
in my ear and confessed,
long and soft,
things never before or
since spilled by breath.
And in time
my mute lips shape
life in new lands.
Author notes
all critical comments welcome! I'm especially interested in observations / recommendations on line breaks and rhythm.
What would you change?
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Hoodwinked!
You have written a poem rich in imagery and contrast. Sometimes a soft whisper can be like a roar which shatters our silent loneliness. I really like this piece. Very intelligently written!
You might consider braking this line after forsaken, putting "I choked" alone on the next line or along with the final line of the stanza. But I admit, line breaks puzzle me. Just thought the reader should sit with the 2 emotions a bit.
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Hood-Wink!
from this line "You whispered my name" down
the poem is pure perfection on paper for me;
just gorgeous!
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HOODWINKED !I
I like the thoughtful metaphor you use in this poem giving the reader images and room to stretch the imagination. You have chosen your words well and overall this poem is well constructed and feelings well conveyed.
Write On!
You have been Hoodwinked today by the Poetic Bandits
because WE CARE! 
God Bless
Dennis
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"suspension of sound settled ..." I just love the sound of that. Wow.
This is very well written, I can feel the pain in your words.
The flow is pretty good, and while I am not fond of seeing poems as one large, unbroken stanza, it works here; so I shant complain.
Well written! I wish you all the best.
Zach Estel
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this is an excellent point. I'll explore some better spacing options! Thanks for your thoughtful comment!
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