dates I blacked out.

Happy Birthday.

Its stupid to think of how we used to joke about your body getting older so that you could poison your body with cigarettes and do it legally. How you would breathe your disease into the faces of purists, because you could. Too bad there is little use for smoke when the world caves in around your decaying fingertips that can hardly grasp the tip of a cigarette. Too bad you quit inhaling the day you quit trying and find yourself unable to choke down cancer or excuses.

I remember the day precisely a year ago when your heart still beat and you swatted at the bugs that fed on your veins. We all wished you well but no one truly cared. It was just another year, and surely, you would live to see the next one. Back then, 17 was just a number not the death sentence you created. It's stupid, because through all this goddamn fog that covers my thought-process all I can decipher is how you were never even legal. I'm finding it harder to suppress the sick side of me that wants to laugh.

..

I find myself wondering why no one wishes you a happy death day because, obviously, this is what you wanted. You wanted wings and you wanted them fast so you ripped them from your consciousness and taped them to a bullet. Then I find myself wondering why we wish you happy birthday, you obviously weren't to ecstatic about it.

Its like some sort of multicolor sunshine shining over dead grass, you were brilliant. Now you are but an element decaying into the grass that waits for sunshine and the dirt that craves the rain. You were unsatisfied by both extremes and had lost the ability to find middle ground. You weren't able to focus on the slots in-between the publishing date and expiration date and I truly believe that's what destroyed you.

..

So I baked some sort of sugar-coated memorial because that's what you do on birthdays. You cook home-baked feelings and over-powdered chocolate to show your appreciation of life. Though I can't help but plug your vicious cycle into my arteries, there is no one without the other.

yin.yang.
skies.clouds.
birth.death.

happy birth[death] day


-whichever you want.