it's all true.

I like to talk just to talk.  I don't really like my voice, but I like people listening to me.  I like to feel included.  I hope I don't seem like a selfish girl where boys always turn away.  I don't want to seem like her.  I don't want to lay in my bed at night and wonder if I'm an exact replica of her, but yet I do wonder.  I hate that. 





Birthdays.  I like them.  Not as much as Christmas, but I still appreciate them.  It makes me feel somewhat important when my birthday comes along, but yet there's the slight fear that someone will forget.  Birthdays were much more incredible, at least they seemed to be, when I was younger.  I remember standing in front of my cake, the candles lighted and my eyes shined with happiness, I'm sure.  My favorite part about the cake was not just eating it, but it was blowing out those candles.  I used to think that wishes could come true, but after many years and still not getting the horse I always wanted, I stopped believing wishes could ever come true.  When I blew out the candles, I could still remember the smoke coming off and I remember the smell, it's one of my favorite smells.










When I was younger, just a child, I remembered that I'd cry myself to sleep each night because of my parent's divorce.  No one ever knew that I did that and so maybe people didn't think it bothered me, but I believe that divorce affects each child.  I forgot about it until a couple days ago, about the crying that is, and I realized it doesn't bother me much anymore.  I'd tell my friends that I loved that my parents were divorced because I got twice as many presents than they did.  I think I'd rather have my parents together than twice as many presents, but I wouldn't ever confess that to my friends.  It doesn't bother me much anymore and I understand why they didn't stay together but sometimes I wonder what it'd be like if they were together and if we could just be happy.









I love to drive.  I love everything about it.  I like pressing on the accelerator and going fast.  I admit it, I speed, and I love it.  I love the way my car passes by the other cars and I would love to race, but the fear of being pulled over or getting hurt keeps me from doing that sort of play.  That's probably a good thing.  I'm afraid of too many thing though.




I'm afraid of spiders, I'm afraid of failure and I'm afraid of growing up and not knowing what to do or how to live.  I'm afraid of oompa loompas from that movie Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.  It's hard for me to admit that because it's a silly fear but I don't know why it is, but I hate even seeing them.  Scared of them since I was little.  I remember once my sisters and dad told me a dolphin movie was playing next, I was eating doritos, the ranch kind, and then that scary movie played.  I ran to my room and cried and my dad came in later to apologize and said that they changed it.  Let's just say I never felt the same way about ranch doritos again.









I'm rambling, I know.  It's something I do and maybe it's because I like people listening to me, I hope that doesn't sound selfish.  I don't want to be selfish.