She’d had a rye life,
whisky eyes
seen through ice cube charms,
propped up on a bar stool pedestal
accepting only liquid worship -
no chasers for her,
and I caught her eye
as she swept the bump ‘n’ grind persona
of Friday night whores,
draped Dali like across wide-boys arms.
Her half moon smile
tainted by nicotine clouds
as they fought to escape
the confines of an inhale,
and me the rabbit in headlights glare,
tongue tied to this table,
nursing a misplaced conception.
She was slick as she oozed
through the waves of melded bodies,
caught in a chimera of sex and music;
a deep throb within.
Another notch to be nicked
in her playground stick,
a passing phase
in her latest craze,
she was warm in my lap
like a pile of bones before the pyre,
waiting .. just waiting,
and I found I could climb
the ladder of her spine, though her heart
had escaped that cage long ago,
all I could see was my dignity
lying discarded on an unmade bed,
and her proclaiming
“I used to be a lady.”
Author notes
Be Brutal, Be Beautiful, But Above All Be Honest.
- The Blue Lamp Post group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Jury of Your Peers~~#29 by islekine.
700 points, ended October 20, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Honest Critique Requested
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Each detail strums a more vivid scene as the read
sinks claws in; the formatting making damn sure
its a slow dig. Ravenous comes to mind in descriptive
of such a being~Thirsting for something that is beyond
reality to provide. Draped Dali-like really caught me,
settled me into an even darker atmosphere and spoke
of those things beyond comprehension even to those
experiencing them firsthand. I thought headlights could
do without the plural as written, but so very minor and
of course, my individual taste. Blue
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Have to pay this one
Nicely done
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I was just wide eyed and saying, "Oh damn" by the end. Very, very awesome poem.
Síochán leat
~Mairéad~
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An excellent, but very hard portrait of such a woman. Very well done.
~Hettie
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I really like this slice of life type of poetry. You can almost smell the smoky room and see the other patrons nursing their disappointments. This reminded me of the beginning of a hard boiled thriller where the private eye spends some time with the harlot with the heart of gold. Congratulations on your gold trophy. It was well deserved. Peace, Liz
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Congratulations on the well earned gold! I think this has to my favourite poem of yours so far. Great work poet!
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this well pieced together and the words flowed and it made it very visual , and appreciated the two, thanks this read was
excellently done and, your talents shined through , this comment was short but i said what i needed in a few words , very well done poet, and continue, will look for more from you.
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this is raw and har , perfectly rendered, this is my fav stanza
and I caught her eye
as she swept the bump ‘n’ grind persona
of Friday night whores,
draped Dali like across wide-boys arms.
I can see her, a Dali in the rough, well done indeed
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The imagery is quite vivid that the readers can visualize the lady in this piece just by reading lines. If I were to judge this contest this one's probably going to be a sure WINNER. Keep writing wonderfully. Huggless... lol I usually give huggies if I enjoyed reading one's piece =]
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Excellent
This was really good, i particularly like this bit:
Her half moon smile
tainted by nicotine clouds
as they fought to escape
the confines of an inhale,
keep writing
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Awesome write. I really enjoyed this piece. The Rhyme scheme was perfect. Loved the flow. The story of it was well put. Overall great work. This is really one worthy of publish.
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Riveting.
I adore the title..it drew me here....you have made me really see this girl as she is in the bar..c learly I see her ,so good are your words....all the poem led me to the inevitable fierce pride of this girl-woman and her sordid life ..yet you made me see that her spirit shone though her heart may be gone...I felt the proudness of her and the shame of him..the shame of the world in the room ..yet a spark of light was there ,too...really,really good.... -
good poem
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This is sooooo great!
The imagery...characterizations....emotions...all so well penned! I do think you will score high with this one! Thanks so much for sharing your talent with us! Best wishes in the contest and always! Write on and on and on!
and
YOU MAY SEND YOUR VOTES ANYTIME! THANKS!
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I love the imagery and contents of this write!
You did very well here and good luck to you in this contest.
Jeremy0826 -
Imagery is is very vivid
well done
God bless you my friend...
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The reader is entrapped by the well portrayed scene and atmosphere. Afterwards, sort of like waking up with a hangover. Well written!
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