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Ocean's Blue

Ages rage-

she resists
a million times
still he quenches
in her cold tides
bringing night

and wind howls

where trees tremble
through canyon's echo
screams her grief over
lonely plains

blue moon soothes
foam distills
but current stirs
reclaiming
rebuilding wild and wrath

she swells and rolls
crashes
scrying anger in the sand
until flashes crackle
thunder claps

azuline tears shower
scoring gloom across waves
pelting
liquid sky throught the night

till crystal drops reflect
golden amber
of dawn.

Begin again.

Author notes

This round you will be writing FREE VERSE.
Prompt: Choose one of the songs by The Beatles and use it as inspiration.

I chose the Beatles song "Because" (I think I chose this one for the music-- inspired by Moonlight Sonata and the words just made me think of the ocean):

"Ah, because the world is round
it turns me on
Because the world is round

Ah, because the wind is high
it blows my mind
Because the wind is high

Ah, love is old, love is new
Love is all, love is you

Because the sky is blue
it makes me cry
Because the sky is blue"

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 15 of 15

  • Mango Memories gold member
    October 31
    Edit | Reply
    Bravo!


    • Nickelspring gold member
      October 31
      Edit | Reply
      This is not a great one.... kind of sucks really. Freeverse is definately something I need to work on!
      Thanks


  • Truetome
    October 24

    Edit | Reply
    so pretty.... with a hopeful end. and sincerity. love,


  • Nymphetemine
    October 20

    Edit | Reply
    Well this I love... The image of the sea... its ebb and flow.. its roaring rage.. and peaceful lull... You know I would give 20/20 ....!!!! Beautiful write.. Good luck in the contest....

  • JM Kenyon silver member
    October 20

    Edit | Reply
    Ocean's Blue

    Originality: 15/15
    Creativity/Poetic device: 14/15
    Line breaks/structure: 13/15
    Cohesion/focus: 14/15
    Balance of abstraction/imagery: 13/15
    Emotion/Personality/Edge: 13/15
    Overall opinion: 13/15
    impact/reaction: 13/15
    Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 15/15
    Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
    Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 10/10
    Fluency: 10/10
    Diction/verbiage: 9/10
    Syntax: 9/10
    Title: 9/10

    "X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/5

    Total: 185


  • CitrineSunrise silver member
    October 19

    Edit | Reply
    Liz's rubric for "Ocean's Blue" -182

    Originality: 14/15
    Creativity/Poetic device: 14/15
    Line breaks/structure: 13/15
    Cohesion/focus: 14/15
    Balance of abstraction/imagery: 13/15
    Emotion/Personality/Edge: 13/15
    Overall opinion: 13/15
    impact/reaction: 13/15
    Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 14/15
    Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
    Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 9/10
    Fluency: 10/10
    Diction/verbiage: 9/10
    Syntax: 9/10
    Title: 9/10

    "X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/5

    Total: 182

    I can't put my finger on it, but this was missing something vital. The imagery overshadowed the emotion, and the line breaks were distracting. Some beautiful phrasing but left me feeling unfulfilled.

    • Nickelspring gold member
      October 19
      Edit | Reply
      Im not surprised... I've been on vacation and struggled just to get this in, my heart wasn't in it. Im not good at freeverse anyway.
      Thanks,
      Kris


  • sideways hourglass
    October 19

    Edit | Reply

    177

    Originality: 13/15
    Creativity/Poetic device: 13/15
    Line breaks/structure: 14/15
    Cohesion/focus: 13/15
    Balance of abstraction/imagery: 12/15
    Emotion/Personality/Edge: 12/15
    Overall opinion: 12/15
    impact/reaction: 12/15
    Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 15/15
    Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
    Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 8/10
    Fluency: 10/10
    Diction/verbiage: 10/10
    Syntax: 10/10
    Title: 8/10

    "X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/5

    Total: 177


    You started strong in the beginning, but toward three quarters of the way through, I thought the imagery became a bit muddled and I felt that the storyline or general message was lost. Even with my misunderstanding set aside, there's not enough abstraction in that area for to pin-point what these images meant. I do think had I been able to access it enough to form a legitimate interpretation, then I would have had a stronger reaction to this. "wrath" and "anger" were words that did help guide me, yet when I am just given those words, I want to know why - why is there anger and wrath? I didn't quite find the answer.

    Still, you do have many cool phrases and ideas, which made this an interesting read anyway.

    • Nickelspring gold member
      October 19
      Edit | Reply
      I was just trying to echo the 3 parts of the verse (not the love part- not feeling that at all right now), not to much success.
      Thanks,
      Kris


  • August Starlight silver member
    October 19

    Edit | Reply
    I love the separation of "and wind howls" and how it makes the thought stronger. the texture of this is fantastic and your vocabulary is too. good luck in x factor =]

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