The second thoughts
Have such a chasm to cross
Such a distance, you cannot hear them,
So you shrug them off--
Besides, they are merely whispers
Pips, blips, like home movies,
No one life can stand firm there,
Reeling and reeling in.
Through the efforts you've arrived
Standing at the bathroom sink
Given flick, a nick, a scratch
Resting on the surface of a lense
Peering out like a lamp into a night sky
Where you will no longer feel cold again.
Fixated, glazed-over eyes
When you hear a thump
Perhaps of your heart,
Perhaps from the fear in your head
You could lay there forever
Going nowhere--
This is what the world is made of,
You say--
As the second thoughts fade away.
A contest entry
- boats in the dark. by bird-mad girl.
1750 points, ended November 12, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Love matters most
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I really enjoyed the progression of your piece. It was something that I reread a few time because I was really stirred by this sense of things getting louder, the world getting blurrier, and being completely submerged in the ooze of this catastrophe.
There was such a violence beneath your words. It's strange because your words feel like a lullaby masking a holocaust. As things go on things get more aggressive.
This was a truely lovely and smooth piece. I can't explain how it makes me feel. I guess it lingers.
Thank you for entering.
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I think Midnight51 explained my own point of view pretty well below. We want to see it that way, you afford it, but in those two lines, you convalute it a bit. You have a strong basis, you have firm execution, but not superb execution of the idea, it's still greatly enjoyable but it'd be worth revising to unearth the true potential.
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I've one quibble about this piece:
Given flick, a nick, a scratch
Resting on the surface of a lenseI understand the idea behind this but I'm not sure it marries well with your piece--it seems kind of tossed in at a stray angle. You say scratch on a lense but then you never really revisit it - like it never happened. So why, I ask, did you even add this? I want to see the story through the eyes of the subject with the now imperfect view. See where I'm going?
Anyway I did enjoy reading this--
Josh
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thank you for your comment. I've been thinking about this for a long while. Trying not to second guess myself, I believe I included these lines to fulfill the action missing from the poem. The actual flick and slicing one's life away. The flick being the suicidal action and the surface of the lens is the surface of life-- a gash in the very fabric of your being. See where I was going? The lens also goes on to reference the following lines:
"Peering out like a lamp into a night sky
Where you will no longer feel cold again."
The lens (life) has been cut, peering out into a world where it once was cold, but never again through this action. I wonder if this explains my reasoning for these lines. If you feel I could express this idea in a different way, please let me know.
Cheers.
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"You could lay there forever
Going nowhere--
This is what the world is made of,
You say--
As the second thoughts fade away"
This entire piece has a great flow.. but I especially liked how you wrapped up the title in the conclusion.... Welldone
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This is a very effective depiction of an abstract idea. I love how heartfelt it is. The progression keeps the reader attentive throughout the poem. I can personally relate to this. Your words were also very well chosen. Nice work.
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A good write, and I like the way you approached the subject most of all.
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