for a moment I realized
that I am living in
moldable history -
I can do whatever I want,
I could change my life in an instant
because my days aren't living me,
I am living them
but then I stuttered back
into resignation
letting things sweep over me
letting time settle in place
.
for a moment I realized
that my actions were not my own
I sat at a table, then crawled
underneath to curl up on the floor
and hold tight to my legs, then
abruptly got back up again
wondering what just happened
wondering what came over me
I know anything I do,
yet I am
a marionette
.
for a moment I realized
that I do not have
control over myself anymore
my emotions
fall through my mouth
and though my teeth try
to catch them, snip them down,
they still race through air
faster than light or sound
faster than hands can reach out
to piece me back together
Author notes
prompt: across the universe - the beatles
"Words are flowing out
Like endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away
Across the universe"
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Very good; enjoyed.
-
"I know anything I do,
yet I am
a marionette"
the wording there is a little off. maybe replace anything with everything.
other than that. this was an excellently penned piece.
-
motion
Originality: 13/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 14/15
Line breaks/structure: 14/15
Cohesion/focus: 14/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 13/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 13/15
Overall opinion: 13/15
impact/reaction: 13/15
Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 15/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 8/10
Fluency: 10/10
Diction/verbiage: 9/10
Syntax: 9/10
Title: 8/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/5
Total: 181 -
Liz's rubric for "motion" - 183
Originality: 14/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 14/15
Line breaks/structure: 14/15
Cohesion/focus: 14/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 13/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 13/15
Overall opinion: 13/15
impact/reaction: 13/15
Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 15/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 9/10
Fluency: 10/10
Diction/verbiage: 9/10
Syntax: 9/10
Title: 8/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/5
Total: 183
Since you aren't writing lyrics but using the song as a prompt, I thought the repetition was distracting. I thought you had a good idea, but it needed more to plump it up.
-
186
Originality: 14/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 14/15
Line breaks/structure: 15/15
Cohesion/focus: 15/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 15/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 13/15
Overall opinion: 13/15
impact/reaction: 13/15
Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 15/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 9/10
Fluency: 9/10
Diction/verbiage: 9/10
Syntax: 9/10
Title: 8/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/5
Total: 186
You had good ideas, but I struggled to get into the natural currents of emotion in this and so...even though I tried to get into it on the second read, the emotion felt was kind of forced...
with that said, I didn't quite feel it as much I wanted to.
The technical stuff is pretty good though overall and as always you do have good ideas.
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I just told you what I thought of this, but you deserve some clappies, dear.
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second stanza is brilliant. creative, unexpected.
the first one sets it up nicely... love the last two lines of that one.
third one... again love the ending. perfect title here... the write does have that dizzying feel to it.
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"but then I stuttered back
into resignation"
-- that's awesome.
best of luck in x factor.
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