everything in this house is arthritic,
a woman's eyes shaking like marbles
on a washing machine
and veins protruding everywhere;
you'll find her arteries
laced through floorboards,
the fine china riddled with bruises.
she is mauve. i no longer believe
in her existence:
a woman isn't so dusty,
and this one, she's not embalmed yet
but preserved, the thin of marrow
sucked clean by a husband,
or just a worm twisting through
her limbs.
she has maps across her body;
i can pick a destination to rest my fingers
if she stands very still,
gloves of fine british wool
if i choose her lower back,
silk if i take a rib.
but sometimes there are the empty spaces
where she is cream,
a desert where wind can rattle through
her. sometimes, i count every one
of my ten years
by pressing against that dry.
this is where i want to go,
i tell her,
a place held together by tendons,
where i would never starve you.
she quickly puts her hands over my mouth
and starts to shake
again,
tells me i'll soon become a womb--
that i have to learn
to keep my mouth shut.
children are too honest,
you know.
Author notes
"She's not a girl who misses much
Do do do do do do, oh yeah
She's well acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand
Like a lizard on a window pane
The man in the crowd with the multicoloured mirrors
On his hobnail boots
Lying with his eyes while his hands are busy
Working overtime
A soap impression of his wife which he ate
And donated to the National Trust"
-Happiness is a Warm Gun
i interpreted the second stanza of that selection to be about spousal abuse.
A contest entry
- X Factor 3: Round Six (Top 8) by sideways hourglass.
800 points, ended October 20, 6 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
rip it --
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Congrats on the gold, hun. This is amazing.
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and mother, i won't break you
Originality: 15/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 15/15
Line breaks/structure: 15/15
Cohesion/focus: 15/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 15/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 15/15
Overall opinion: 14/15
impact/reaction: 14/15
Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 15/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 10/10
Fluency: 10/10
Diction/verbiage: 9/10
Syntax: 10/10
Title: 8/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 5/5
Total: 200 X FACTOR -
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you just made my week.
thank you!
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Liz's rubric for "and mother, I won't break you" - 195
Originality: 14/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 15/15
Line breaks/structure: 15/15
Cohesion/focus: 15/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 15/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 15/15
Overall opinion: 14/15
impact/reaction: 14/15
Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 15/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 10/10
Fluency: 10/10
Diction/verbiage: 9/10
Syntax: 10/10
Title: 9/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/5
Total: 195
This is the most well-balanced poem in the contest, in my opinion. The imagery aids the narrative rather than overpowering it. Well done. -
193
Originality: 15/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 15/15
Line breaks/structure: 13/15
Cohesion/focus: 15/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 15/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 14/15
Overall opinion: 14/15
impact/reaction: 14/15
Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 15/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 10/10
Fluency: 9/10
Diction/verbiage: 10/10
Syntax: 10/10
Title: 9/10 - I liked how it subtly tied in with the last line.
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/5
Total: 193
I thought some of the line breaking could have been better, but still...this is stellar.
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even though I don't really understand the part about the maps, it's my favorite part and I think it is absolutely brilliant. and the sort of turning point at the end, that was good as well. good luck =]
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thanks :]
the maps across her body are bruises. like, all over her body she has bruises that make maps.
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"in her existance" -- should be "existence"
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thanks.
anything else that's awkward?
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