Based on a Dream

My bare feet touch cold tiles
my breathing picks up speed.
Heart pounding in my ears,
the only one awake is me.
All the lights are out
I can't see.
But my feet know how to get there,
I feel I've been here before.
In the dark
my hands reach out.
Cold glass, it's the mirror.

My hands pause,
starting to shake.
I can't find the breath
that I know I need to take.
Moving again,
but just barely so.
My hands find the cabinet
and what's in it.
A bottle of pills in my hand.
When I started life over,
this wasn't what I had planned.

Now I'm swallowing down
the bitter medication
going to take an endless vacation.
Bottle is empty
can't believe I got it all down.
In just a little while I'll be just another file,
a simple statistic
locked in a drawer
gathering dust forever more.

I wish I could've said goodbye
and how sorry I am that I had to lie.
Please don't waste your time
crying over my worthless life.
My tears have started
they're dripping down my face.
I think I'll always regret
the way I left this place.

As the dizziness starts
so does my heart.
Long, low, slow beats.
My face grows red from the heat.
I pick up a pen
and a piece of paper,
to write out m goodbyes.
One to mom, one to dad...
Thanks for giving me the worst you had.
One to my sister, and one to my brothers
even though you're annoying,
i still love you.

I stare at the black scribbled words
then rip up the paper and throw it away.
I shouldn't have left with things broken this way.
My family slowly falling apart,
mom and dad breaking each others hearts.
Now that I'm gone
I can't fix anything that goes wrong.

Maybe when I'm dead and buried in the ground
this paper will be found.
Maybe they will notice,
maybe they will care
when my voice is no longer there.
Maybe they'll stop fighting because of my writing,
or maybe I'm just in denial.
I only have awhile
before I taste the bile of my stomach's acidic waste
my body is starting to shake
thinking about my friends
and how most of them were fake.
None of them cared that I was about to break
because I had taken every hit I could take.

And now I'm thinking of him,
the one who rescued me when my life was dim.
I wish I could let him know
how much I love him
just one more time before I go.
I cry out softly
reaching for the sink to drag my self up off of the floor,
needing to get out of the door.

My fingers dance on the buttons,
knowing the number by heart.
I pray he picks up
I pray he will listen.
I pray he will understand.
I'd give my whole world
just to have him here in my last few minutes.
I'm needing, begging, pleading
to hear his voice whisper "I love you" in my ear.

He doesn't answer,
another slap in the face.
It hurts to think,
it burns to breathe.
I choke on my words
and slam the phone down.
My vision starts to blur
and now I'm on the ground.

My hair is matted
my face is sweaty.
Lights flash inside my head, I wonder if I'm dead?
But then I hear sobs
and the low murmur of voices.
I try to sit up but the straps hold me down.
I try to speak but my voice is too weak.

I hear the doctors say "She's going to be okay"
and I wish for everything to fall away.
By now it is day.
I curse myself and the damn sunrays.
They reflect off of the stupid silver tray
where all the vomit and charcoal mix lay.
I want to die,
to die and be alone
to be alone and cry.
My tears burn
and the nurse turns away.
I want to go home, but they keep me here
in this sterilized prison.
Fine.
They can have it their way.
Let them think it helps.
Take the pills, eat my fill,
be a good little girl,
even though living
still kills.

My first day home, and nothing has changed.
I pick up the phone, so emotionless and cold,
like a stone.
It rings and rings,
one, two, three.
I'm on my knees begging him please...
Four, five, six.
Someone picks up.
"Baby...?"
And then the line drops with a deafening click.

I'm leaning over the toilet,
puking up my love; it's made me so sick.
I promise this time to do it right.
I promise I won't wake up from this night.
I gave it my all,
now people are watching me fall.
I hope he's happy,
hope she's treating him right.
I want to stab her and make her feel my pain.
Just keep stabbing, again and again.

I bite down hard
fighting the pain.
While I take this beautiful razor blade,
and drag it across my skin.
The sting makes me high,
high enough to fly,
but I'll never leave the ground.

I needed them, but they weren't there.
I wanted him, but he didn't care.
My dark red blood
drips through the air,
splattering on the floor.
My skin is cold,
and it comforts me to watch myself bleed.

The lines are getting deeper
criss-crossing over my flesh.
Making a little pattern
that looks like a net.
A net to catch my sorrow,
a net to catch my tears,
a net to catch my screams so that nobody hears.

My head is light,
my arms sliced to bits.
Now my clothes are covered in blood.
The pain is gone
and now I'm just numb.
I'm trying to figure out
how I could've been so dumb.
How I could believe we were truly in love.
Love...
that one fucking word.
Simple, with four letters.
I carve it into my chest,
right over my heart,
and as the blood spills down
I carve in his name,
to let the doctors and my family know
he was the last thing on my mind.

I guess I should lie down,
I getting tired now...
The pool of red liquid looks so good
all spilled on the ground.
I didn't know it would take so long.
By now the blood
should've all been gone.
I just sit on the floor
with my head against the wall
waiting for sweet, dark, and merciless death
to come and end it all.
My heavy eyes close as my slow beating heart
comes to a stop.

At first when I awake,
I want to scream
loud enough to make the windows shake.
But then I see someone, and that someone is me
lying in a casket
that's covered with a sheet.
My parents, siblings, and my friends...
They all stand around my cold, lifeless body.
Some of them cry.
Some just stand and stare.
A couple look away and wish they weren't there.
I smile.
I finally did something right.
I actually managed to kill myself that night...