Somewhere
out there
someone
is fighting
the greatest
war the world
has ever
known.
Somewhere,
a soilder
stands strong
against
the odds
searching
effortlessly
for an
opening
into your
padded
doors.
Author notes
Tell me what you think
Revision- still working on it, just an idea
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I liked it, reminded me of a Leonard Cohen type lyric. I'm not so strict on rhyming format as comment below, I think you can be creative .
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Thank you very much
I appreciate the coment
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There are some really good things going on in this piece, but the format does let it down .. big time !
The rhyme scheme sounds forced and breaks up any semblance of natural rhythm and flow. I think you either have to re-format to free verse or completely change the rhyme scheme - e.g. ABAB
A kingdom has fallen and a war is at start
As a nation soon screams of disorder
The rumours of your tainted and misshapen heart
As bullets are fired through the border
... something like that anyway
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Thank you very much
and I agree it does sound better that way.
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I personally dislike this one too. I read alot of your poems and of that bunch thius is not one of my favrites. The rhyme scheme is messy and the words doesn´t seem very original. i´ve read many poems mcuch like this one before. there is only one like that seems to stick out from the others and sounds very beautiful ¨a CHORD erupts from some distant choir´¨ using a choir as a metaphor or even in a literal sense is very figurative and telling of the poem, but it doesn´t fit in this sorry...in all honesty i think that you shouldn´t edit this poem, you should write it over comletely. it dissapoints me because you seemed to be getting better throughout each poem, yet this is a pitfall.
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.. sorry to disappoint you
This was an assignment and had to be written in this format- but I don't like to make excuses. i had wanted to change this completely but there were some who thought I should keep it and others who thought I should change it, so I just wanted an outside opinion. Thank you very much.
And ps: I wrote this a while ago but posted it today which would explain the whole pitfall thing. Again sorry. i have a big problem displeasing people : ( -
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For someone who doesn't like making excuses you sure have alot.
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awww
your mean : ( but I guess I didn't expect anything less from a critic of your status : )
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