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Hold you tightly...

All alone again tonight, don't know why I still fight,
Hearing the song *insert sound clip of "Girls Just Want to Have Fun"*, from the juke box there,
Well "I, just, want to be loved", that message is clear...
Can hear the sound of doves, another moment I can't enjoy I fear,
Cuz I can't find the one I love, even searching far and near.
If there's one meant from above, why can't she just come here?

This life's never been fair, I knew that from little,
Always looking I stay aware, even as my hope whittles...

I fell like I'm just destined to be alone,
Growing close to feeling cold.
For sins I never committed I atone,
Used to thoughts of alone and old.

Does she even exist?
Or is this solitude's hit list?

Am I number one?
When's it over and done?

So I still look blindly,
When I see her, smile kindly,
Don't scare her away,
Make today my day.
Pretend it's my last,
Make tomorrow a blast,
Yesterday went by so fast,
My new life's vast...

Cuz I found the one elusive,
Forget stayin reclusive,
We're gonna be as open as can be,
To show how much she means to me...

Hold you tightly as we fall asleep,
Don't cry, don't weep.
I'll protect you from the creeps.

Hold you tightly as we fall to the ground,
Laughing and kissing with people around,
Cuz I don't care, this life's not fair,
But I'm not showing you off,
Rather, showing others their love is out there,
And now I'm Ahnold, and it's you I make "lauff."

Get down! It's a bomb!
Everybody! Stay calm!
Cuz I'll be bauk!

Hold you tightly as we say, "I do."
So glad I found you.
Now we can be a pair for the world to view,
Ready for the happiness to ensue,
Cuz no matter what happens,
I'll always be with you.

Did I do ok? Good? or Great?

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Comments


  • tidoubleguher
    October 30
    Edit | Reply
    Not good nor great. You did effing fantastic!

  • The Juggernaut
    October 20
    Edit | Reply
    I like this.
    :]
    It sort of reminds me of what I'm looking for.
    Thanks for sharing.

  • I dont have any suggestions as how to fix it. I felt the depth of all the feelings you felt in this.


  • S D McDaniel
    October 16

    Edit | Reply
    This is really cool. And no, your rhyming doesn't suck. There is actually a sophistication in your rhyming, because it's almost but not exact... such as little, and whittles.... it's known as assonance rhyming... and it brings a depth to your writing.

    I also like the fact that this is rhyming free verse... not many people call pull it off. I can feel the raw emotion, both the negative, and the positive.

    If I had any suggestions, it would be this : to maybe tighten it up just a little... drop some of the words that aren't as necessary, to make the other words have more impact. But that's just my opinion.

    Overall, I think this is a really good poem. Keep up the good work!