What is under control?
under control is enchainment,
the rape of free agency
sight that is monitered
breath that is minded
old is everything,
but getting used too.
the demons are more
central, the fire is more hot.
the tears flood from within
for you souls, with no empathy
the bitter would satisfy,
a thought of your own
any, would die where it starts
logic is irrelevant
your a puppet now.
Comments
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The meaning is rather scattered and unclear. However, what I get from it is that we are all controled and "puppets" of the world. Which you may or maynot mean symbolically. Still, I think the meaning should be a little more obvious. One thing I often tell people is to be subtle. In this poem there is a tad and I say a tad of too much subtly. The second line " enchaintment" should be changed to something else like mystical or mystery. It is four syllabls and that just does not fit the surroundings. Furthrmore, it sounds technical. It gives the impression that you are trying to make your poem have the sound of importance and mimicing older poetry. I looked at some of your other work and you use words that the ordinary person would not understand. The old english poems and famous poetry was written for people in that day and age. There is nothing wrong with simple. Nevetheless, there is nothing wrong with being vey techncal. Just keep in mind that you are going to turn away a lot of readers and you must use it in practical settings. "Under control was enchanitment." I just feel like it doesn't fit. I could be wrong.
the demons are more
central, the fire is more hot.
take cental and place it on the first line. I just cannot see how it works in this setting. You place the focus in all of this on the word central. I do not think you mean to place the focus on central but I could be wrong.
I would like a better title like "Dance for me Puppet", "The Puppet," The one thing that is allowed to make sense is the title but make it clever or pronouce importance. The title is fine as it is... it shows importance but it is just an idea.
I would add punctiuation to the entire poem but you may like it as it is and that is fine. I'm not trying to control you.
your a puppet now. This line is one of the best because your using a metaphor. You need to include more clever lines like this and there are a couple other clever tricks you use in the poem but this is a really profound and bold line.
a thought of your own
any, would die where it starts ... another clever line but do you see how it is a little confusing with the word any in the middle of it. It kills the effect. Still, I love this line and it is quite clever.
I just want to
say, it is hard to follow what your trying to say when you do this. Read it out loud but I doubt that will help, to be honest. You have it stuck in your mind a certain way in which you can clearly see it but the reader has trouble.
Now how good is this poem? It is very good and well written despite my minor comments. You have skill and you appear extremly well educated. I expect you to sail higher and higher with each poem as you learn your way up to towards the top. Excellent job!
-AtiVan
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Awesome. Dude, this sounds like a hit single or something. Just listen: ♪What is under control?/ Demons ride your soul/ There is no logic here/ There is no logic here/ Lord knows that your a puppet now♪
lolz...idk...
great thing
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I know! I was thinking the same thing.
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