There,
Out there,
A mist pale blue skies.
A darkness,
A Warning,
Dare you heed it?
Red sky in morning,
Sailors take warning.
Out onto the ocean blue,
Beautiful,
Breathtakeing,
Waves gently splash,
Gently crash,
Against the side of your humble vessle.
Too soon,
Far too soon,
It comes to an end.
The waves,
Crash,
No longer warning.
No longer waiting,
Grabbing,
Reaching,
Pulling.
Larger,
Larger,
Towering,
Destroying.
Small ship,
smaller pieces,
as
Red fades to black.
Red Sky at night,
Sailors delight.
A single body lays amist a ruin,
Pieces,
Pieces,
Nothing left,
But waves,
And sky.
Author notes
Any help would be nice... I know I have a problem with spelling as Friends and Family so like to remind me, and help getting my poems to flow and improve, is again nice to know.
A contest entry
- Allpoetry: Write on a natural disaster: Contest #193 (Winkling motivated) by Andantino.
1750 points, ended October 29, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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The repetition and brevity of line works here, IMHO. I think you may benefit by using colorful nouns along with colorful verbs. I'd suggest playing with it a bit,and playing with line lengths as well, to see what works best.
I'm not sure about the phrase: "Red Sky at night, Sailors delight." Perhaps at the very end, or not there at all. If you incorporate it, do so dramatically.
Danni
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Thank you Danni! I'm glad you enjoyed my poem, honestly the whole "Red sky at night, sailors delight" was suposed to be a transition from the storm to the calm... but I'll try and see if I can do something to make it a bit more dramatic
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So very tragic, this poem you've painted here, so brilliantly.
A few of the lines here made me think of Annie Lennox/Howard Shore's "Into the West", an amazing song.
Thank you for sharing this, and I wish you the best,
Zach Estel. -
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Thank you Zach! I did enjoy writting it though now I'm going to have to youtube "Into the West" So I can hear it! Thanks again
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i kind of think there should be a bit more images build in this, but that may just be me, i love where it is going so far, just doesn't really paint a picture in my head, keep it flowing
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I was trying to keep it on the shorter side, as I am not a big fan on long poems... They tend to be repettitive and I grow board of them, but I will think about adding more, I just have to see where it'll fit and If it becomes repetitive... But thanx I never thought to add more, so I'll see where it goes
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