Jags of earth and rock slip
in twisted rivers of
oxygen so thin and cold...
I can't guess tomorrow,
but if I can stay awake
long enough to fix it
Perhaps I will forgive you
For keeping me here.
A contest entry
- when the ordinary becomes extraordinary by Cat.
1700 points, ended November 18, 13 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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this title. wow.
hate that you explained it to someone down below in your comments.. screw 'em
no explanations necessary.
the lack of forgiveness is what is most stunning to me here.. the inability to embrace now
until now and tomorrow look the way you would like
but this now is already passed and on to the next
tomorrow--
so much inside this small piece-- your work of late reminds me why you are one of the first people who made my favorites list
m
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Superb
I really rather like this one. The imagery reminded me of two or more individuals on a mopuntain top. I think it is very well written, with excellent imagery. Thanks for sharing. -
Nice
I liked the flow and though it was kinf od confusing until the last line I still liked it very much
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Good
I really liked the flow, but maybe you should have explained it more whats in your mind. I guess thats pretty much everyone has to say. Anyway good job. -
I wonder at this. I have my idea of what you are relating, yet often I internalize another poet's write if I am able to relate on any level. I know what your words mean to me, I wish I knew what they mean to you. Best to you in the contest.
Az
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good
I like the style you have used although it seems a little short, maybe you should nurture this one and let it grow. I struggled to find the meaning, maybe it’s because its condensed but this then adds strength to my original statement, very imaginative work though.
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Really? It's rather simple. It's about being stranded, not only on this planet, but in this system, by parents, government, god, etc... Without an explanation, or a helping hand. I merely used mountain climbing as a metaphor for growing old in life. Because climbing is an advent of you verses nature, and yourself.
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This is just excellent. Never mind the idea of lengthening it. I read volumes between the lines, no trail of breadcrumbs was needed. Well done.
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Good
I liked the poem but I don't think I know what it means. Maybe you could explain it to me? You did a good job with flow and keeping the lines pretty close in size. Maybe next time you might want to make a longer poem. -
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Really? It's rather simple. It's about being stranded, not only on this planet, but in this system, by parents, government, god, etc... Without an explanation, or a helping hand. I merely used mountain climbing as a metaphor for growing old in life. Because climbing is an advent of you verses nature, and yourself. Making it longer is what an amateur would do to further listen to themselves. Talk is cheap, and poetry is about compressing and showing not rambling and over explaining.
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Wow. Just very nice poem. I really like this.
Short and sweet and it's the last two lines that really put the whole spin of understanding on this. I don't know. I just really like it.
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Did someone tie you up on the mountain? Did you ever think that maybe they had to take a shit? I dunno...I'm just asking...Really...I don't even care...so it's sort of rhetoric...but because it's been given a bad name amongst the wieners doesn't mean that that rhetoric is such a bad thing.
Not that that I'm making any promises based upon this particular rhetoric.
Really...I'm just asking. -
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Yes.
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