I wanted to tell you,
but my words withered in the blue of your eyes.
The curl of your hair shaped itself to the curve
of my throat and
my voice asphyxiated within me.
The melody of your scent drifted over me,
dazzling away my
carefully constructed declaration.
Language lost itself for long moments
and sunlight sparkled densely in its place,
alighting on all the sounds I could not pronounce,
until the jolt of speech and
reason returned to us, abrupt,
jerking us away from the revelations
of silence.
Author notes
Any and all critique welcome. Critique on use of sound and line breaks particularly welcome!
What would you change?
Comments
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Hoodwinked
This was well written with perfect grammar and line breaks. The gentleness and shyness of the author lent this poem a special charm. The only suggestion I could make is to find another word for "sunlight sparkled DENSELY". It doesn't need to be alliterative, but the juxtaposition of sparkled and densely seemed a little off to me. However, it is your poem and your vision. Peace, Liz
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Hood-Wink!
metaphorically brilliant;
how deeply intriguing this is,
there is so much within and
also a small hint of mystery
love it!
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JUDGED!!
A lovely write indeed...
there was a real subtleness to this, well done poet
Thanks for entering
and all the best to you in the contest.
Ken
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