time runs
fluid stop-motion
over carpet --
around in music syncopation,
notes hanging from the ceiling
like mobiles
and your hands keep reaching
for the moon, but clouds swarm
and silver is only a flimsy figment
in the dark
Author notes
one of the poems I've written recently.
lately I've just been letting them flow in big paragraphs
so I had to figure out how to chop this one into stanzas.
A contest entry
- Anything & Everything Prewrites are ALLOWED! by Sheilasbabygal4life.
400 points, ends December 17, 191 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Comments
-
Short and a very nicely done piece of work that you have written here. I enjoyed reading this. Thanks for entering and best of luck to you in the contest.
-
okay. so this is, to say the least, incredible.
maybe the only critique is the first stanza doesn't flow as well, but that's only a very small critique.
i think your talent for picking words is shown beautifully in this. i like the length because you can give such intricate details (as you do) but still leave something unsaid that sort of just settles under the text (which you do).
also, you've done super well with the spacing at the end. the effect of reading 'in the dark' last really is interesting and adds another layer.
this is fantastic.
-
This is pretty good. I like how you wrote it. Great flow, love it. Keep up your great work!!!
TwiztidMaggot -
haha funny story! i've been trying to incorporate those little baby toys that are beautiful that hang over their crib into one of my poems, and I couldn't remember what they were called! mobiles. they're mobiles. haha. this is beautiful.
Adding your comment:
