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Epitome of a Lie


You got caught in a chromatic scale
Like a moth tangled in a spider’s web
In early morning dew.
Demons arose like smoke in your eyes
They flailed and lunged for an escape.
And your eyes, you shut them.

Those scales hold beauty on the radio
And we don’t change the station.
But you’re not a singer,
And you’re not famous.
Without your wings you are nothing,
And there’s no choir to lift up your voice.
You’re just another fly engulfed by fangs.
Venom seeps into your veins
And your heart shuts down.

The music fades, but you keeping singing
And you’re off key.

Author notes

One of the only things I've written in a while. So I figured I'd stick it on here for you to see. It needs work, I know. But at least it's something.

Any specific suggestions? Ideas for a better title?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • asceticverse
    January 3

    Edit | Reply
    I quite like this! You're right, it does need a little work, but not very much I think. The first stanza is spot on, and very evocative. In fact, the only spot where the momentum fades is in lines 14, 15, and 16. "Engulfed by fangs" doesn't feel quite right to me. The second stanza is very direct, so maybe continue that instead of returning so totally to the spider metaphor. "You're just another fly caught in a web of conceit", conceit in the sense of an imaginary comparison, or something to that effect, that manages to show the delusion of the person the speaker is addressing. I'm not sure what to say about lines 15 and 16, to be honest. They just seem a little out of place, a little less beautiful, a little less poetic, a little more mechanical. In line 17, you don't need the "ing" on "keeping". Other than that, I love the last two lines. Perfect way to end the piece. Overall, a beautiful attack.

    av


    • Capitaine Rouge
      January 3
      Edit | Reply
      I agree with the lines 14, 15, 16, thing. I tried to get those right for so long then finally gave up! But I'm glad it's not just me. Thanks for your comments!


  • funny valentine
    October 15, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    Genius (:

1 - 6 of 6