There's a song in the hearts of the people
One that echoes of freedom and joy
For the land they hold dear
That's kept safe through the years
By the lives of the men they deploy
There's a song in the heart of the soldier
One that rings with both duty and pride
For the souls he defends
Are his loved ones and friends
And the reason his comrades have died
There's a song in the hearts of the grieving
One that breaks for the hearts which beat strong
They gave their lives for us
Singing freedom's old chorus
In whose honor we lift up the song
So what do you think?
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I'd like to offer a critique on this, mate, since I know truly talented poets welcome criticism. But...I can't find a thing wrong with it, especially when the subject matter is dear to m'heart. You're a rare wordsmith, and I'm pleased to be invited to read.
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Superb Plus +
Aye, my friend, very well written, indeed. I personally know, or have known, individuals who survived the horrors of the Nazi Concentration Camps of World War II.You might like to read, if you haven't already, John Stuart Mill's book: ON LIBERTY.The text is on-line. He was an English Philosophe of the 18th Century whose writings were studied by the Founding Fathers of our country, before the US Constitution was written. Imagery; rhythm, and rhyme are just fine. I really like the way you expressed yourself. Hope you have a good day.
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Thanks Clovis! That's great advice, I'll have to look up On Liberty some time!
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there is, breaks, sang sing/plur
not sure
I like the way you end the first line in each stanza.
There's a song in the hearts of the grieving
One that breaks for hearts once beating strong
mourned lives given for us
sang freedom's chorus
In whose honor we lift up the song
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here's a thought, There's a song in the hearts of the grieving
One for hearts that were beating so strong
For Old Betsy's glad chorus
all these men that died for us
in whose honor we lift up the song.
How's that? -
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heh heh, I suppose... Though I'm not too crazy about "Old Betsy", it kinda takes the solemn attitude away. I see you changed the beat in lines 3 and 4 to be 7 beats long instead of 6, like it was in the first two stanzas. That reminds me that my original draft had 7 beats in those lines, but I cut it short to 6 so it would match. Here is what it looked like at first:
There's a song in the hearts of the grieving
One that breaks for hearts which once beat strong
Those who gave their lives for us
Singing freedom's old chorus
In whose honor we lift up the song.
Should I go with that one? -
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there's always "old glory" that stinking flag has a ton of names. I wouldn't change the count back to seven cause I think it's important that the end flows with the rest of the piece unless it's like a complete line you leave out.
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Hey, not bad the last stanza needs some work though, the cadence is off, the first and second are fine though. good job! -CC
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Thanks, I agree, the cadence is off in S3, and I've been trying for a week to fix it, but I'm not sure what to do! Any suggestions?
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