[ i've been hit in the face with the final truths of my torment ]

i've been hit in the face with the final truths of my torment
your face and your voice still distant enough
just distant enough
to keep me at a distance
i'm not running away
i'm walking the casual pace
in the opposite direction
i think i've learned the meaning of my dreams
i;m not home here, not even in your arms
and i wont cry, not this time
i feel sometimes it's not fair to the men i date now
since i hold so much of my heart in your name
but you can't hate me for trying
can;t hate me cause i'm still aching
to feel complete
aching to be okay
without your last name
but i'm okay with this feeling
it's all i've known for so long that
this feeling is my home
and i have hope
behind closed doors
and a brilliant memory
in a glass jar
over the fire place