Beauty is running from me,
hiding in the hollow bark's
of naked oaks
where flowers struggle
against harsh winds
in hopes of restoring
their withered petals
because beauty was never
meant to last forever.
Author notes
The assignment was "beauty is...." Such a cliche topic but i did the best I could. Hope you like it. I also edited and made it much shorter.
By the way the speaker of this poem is TIME.
Alright, this is an assignment need critique
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Sorry, the poem doesn't appeeal to me. :l
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lol well that's what I need you to do
Tell me what it is that doesn't appeal to you- and perhaps I can fix it a bit : )
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I did like it better where it originally ended at the withered petals bit.
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... : )
you really think so? I don't know, it seemed incomplete like that to me.
But that's probably because i had intended it to be as it is know.
Hmm...
I've always had problems with short poems. I always end up adding more to it in the end and it becomes over crowded and just plain horrible. : ) I have to work on that.
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This poem is written in a very random style that you do use often, a style in which you don't format it or put it in a specific scheme which is, don't get me wrong, just fine. I really like the end of this, it hits you very hard, you know? If I were you, I would write it is as "because beauty was never ever meant to last forever" just because you ever gives it a more...ectomorphic or sophomoric flow. One word can always make the difference. I love the Aphrodite allusion, it came out very clear. And though, once again, grammar and spelling DOES NOT MATTER-- you ARE getting much better at it. But stop using my gospel choir lines and such! Come on, at least credit me if you are
This poem has a sexual ring to it in the middle parts, and I'm not saying this to poke fun, it actually sounds very beautiful in that way, but if you don't mind, I think you should find a better way to say climax in that depiction. You are improving and know this, a bad poet can never become a good poet, but a good poet can become a better poet. Lucky for you, you never were a bad poet. Just a good poet who starrrtteeed off with some iffy poems. Keep it up,
sabrina. -
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"sexual ring'"?
Alright whatever, lol... this is out of no where but I like the old picture of you better. You're smiling a bit too hard in this one.
- now we're even. : P
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You shouldn't add anymore, you should be done right then-you know A short poem with the most meaningful lines is my favorite kinds...and i would actually suggest that you take out 2 or 3 lines. Pick the best lines and put them all togehther. 4 amazing lines will hit a reader harder than a jumble of bad lines and those same 4 lines. i suggest you take out the part about dying trees... unless it represents somethingg to you its unnesscayr and cliche. Don't call flowers stubborn, too, unless it represents something, but keeping it simple and just calling them flowers is much more beautiful-- you've already illustrated that theyre stubborn with your words! Describe petals better, find a more eccentric adjective. From what I've read I can only say you are a poet in the making, but id love to see what the world makes of you
message me, we can discuss your style, k?
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Beautifully done. I think you may have just caught up with it
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