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Burning Rain.

I was a fool,
who danced with the flame.
His fluttering moves
and smooth spins
captured me in his
lethal dance.

My heart he grabbed.
spinning spinning.
Now the hurricane
in my chest grows by the second.

The rain fills my lungs
my breath is caught.
Gasping while my pain filled
flood waters burst out
like geysers
releasing the truth.

Stains of dirty water
rush down the
red blushed hills
screaming until this
natural disaster terminates.

Air rushes to my lungs,
and just when I
thought I had
drowned out the fire,

I feel the sting
on my cheeks and
the burn in my chest,
and I know our
dance has just begun.

Author notes

H o r r i f i c H o l l i s

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 12 of 12
  • killergorilla
    November 22
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    great poem
    i liked and can relate to this alot
    i to wrote a poem about flame and relation to like for the prewrites contest you entered and it looks like i have plenty competition from this poem
    welldone and good luck in both contests


  • bwderos
    November 5

    Edit | Reply
    I like the comparison between whoever this poem is about and a flame in the first stanza. Thanks for entering in my contest. Best of luck


  • Bean Sidhe silver member
    November 4

    Edit | Reply

    Come One, Come All Contest Judging

    1. Poetic Device - 14/20
    2. Theme and Emotional Connection - 6/10
    3. Creativity - 12/20
    4. Vocabulary - 13/15
    5. Title Relation - 6/10
    6. Bonus Points for "It" Factor - 8/25

    TOTAL: 59/100


  • girl shaman
    November 2

    Edit | Reply
    my breathe should be my breath.

    'Gasping while my pain filled
    flood waters burst out'
    should be
    gasping while my pain was filled with flood waters. or something to complete the sentence, because pain filled doesn't make sense.

    I feel the sting
    should be i 'felt' the sting

    now for the poem itself, i wasn't very enthralled, the images were nice but in a way i'm lost to the meaning behind the poem, is it a lost love, a disaster compared to lost love? that's all i got. thanks for entering


    • Horrific Hollis
      November 2
      Edit | Reply
      I get what your saying. But you misread that line. Pain filled flood waters.
      Like the flood waters, refering to the tears, are filled with pain. So in another sense like, my painful tears exploded out of my eyes. I dont think I can really explain it anyother way. And as for the meaning, i'm not sure what it is either. I was just watching a candle and wrote the words down as they came to my mind. I read it to my mother and grandmother and boyfriend and they all got different meanings. So I just let people get from it what they do. Thanks for the critisism though. I hope this clears things up.

      • girl shaman
        November 2
        Edit | Reply
        yes it did and yeah then can happen a lot of people see and get different meanings behind things, thank you for specifying that


  • nichtmich silver member
    November 2

    Edit | Reply
    Very dark and extremely revealing. The humiliation, recriminations and the seemingly endless hurt.....until we do it again. When the right person comes along, the past becomes trivial. You have a flair for imagery and your poem moves forward with an ever increasing pace to a bitter realization of an ending that leaves the reader stunned and exhausted. Kudos!

  • Sky Prince Ireland gold member
    November 1

    Edit | Reply
    Ouch! I can feel the burn as I read this.
    Thanks for sharing and entering my contest.
    Good luck.
    Brian


  • bunnyslasher157
    October 30
    Edit | Reply

    wow

    I like how you use the fire. It's beautiful. Good luck and keep writing!

  • Haret5
    October 19
    Edit | Reply

    Same as last Time

    Same as last Time

  • Haret5
    October 17

    Edit | Reply

    Great

    It feels like you thought you were foolish to fall in love and you got burned. Your poem is flowing with images of things we all probably have an idea of what they look like.


  • celene
    October 16
    Edit | Reply
    intresting and very imaganitive. i really enjoyed this poem. good luckx

1 - 12 of 12