At the seashore waves were crashing,
winds were blowing, foam was flashing,
still the plovers held a rhythm
dashing sprightly on thin legs.
Seagulls testing skills for swooping,
grouped-right-up like soldiers trooping,
sounding battle cries of whooping -
native cry, resembling rage.
Soon a stage of storm clouds speeding,
rushed like gangs of steeds stampeding
‘crossed the skies with dark ones leading,
followed fast with cast galore.
Then the war gods started sounding,
drums of rumbling, quite astounding,
Thor then struck his mighty hammer
grounding flashes - signs of war!
Through that night and into morning
raging winds howled out their warning,
waves rolled over, through and into
rearranging shores and more.
Lots of people, well alerted,
left their homes and towns deserted -
all that’s left has been subverted
when that storm met walls and flirted
with their lives forevermore ...
© 2009 Joy A Burki-Watson
Author notes
a reworked poem about the destructive nature of storms!
A contest entry
- Allpoetry: Write on a natural disaster: Contest #193 (Winkling motivated) by Andantino.
1750 points, ended October 29, 23 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please take time to share your comments ...
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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the "ing" words add a song -like quality to the poem, your rhymes are skillfully done so that without the ing you have full rhyme; I think i would enjoy this poem either way, but i get the idea here, the "ing" makes the verses sing a little...nicely done...PK
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Like your rhymes and the images of war and violence are very apt. Congrats on your bronze trophy.
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You were successful in creating and maintaining an ominous drumming rhythm throughout this poem. The rhyme works well, both internal and external. This is a poem where the sound of the words mattered almost as much as their meaning in communicating the destruction. Very well done!
Danni
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I must say, I rather like the rhyme scheme, and the effect that it had on the flow of your poem.
My only qualm is your heavy use of gerunds (-ing words) at the end of the line; it can add a repetitive look to your poem, and was a bit distracting. But, of course, my eye can be drawn toward the strangest things, and this is all subjective
You've captured this tragedy rather well, with a vivid and memorable poem
that batters heavily upon the heart.
Thank you for sharing, and best wishes
Zach Estel. -
This is very nicely done Joy.
Your words build in intensity like the storm and then bring the reader to a point of quiet reflection surveying the aftermath.
I've watched the beginning of whopper storms approaching up the coast but I'm sure they were mild compared to some you have seen in your neck of the woods. Nature always sends her own alerts which can clue us in despite the all the tech weather instruments and techniques now available.
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Oh, the drama---the words speaking out--
out loud I hear them pounding rhythmically along,
with perfect rhyme scheme adding to the emotion,
tearing at hearts with the power of the storm
separating people from their homes.
Good to see your words contine to flow, joy.
I have been in stripped-clean computerland
for two days, as The Dell techs in strong
accents of India told me I was not the only one--
that many were affected by the Microsoft update
that was dsasterous!
But all put in perspective by the violence of nature.
Happy my problem was just techological and fixable.
M-C
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Sounds like Poe's "Raven" a little in tone. I guess the "galore", "war" "more" and "forevermore" makes me think that. Interesting, you rhymed all gerunds until the last stanza. I mean besides the "Lenore" sounding ones. Interesting rhyme schemes in this poem, makes it rich in tone.
I hate storms, though I like reading about them when written by someone of your skill. But still, Quoth the seagull, "storms no more."
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interesting concept and formula: three rhyming lines per verse, except for the first and last verse (which balances the effort and remains consistent with identical syllabic count), which shows intention and not a shortage of rhyme!! very good and the pattern flows well! i like this very much...!
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Brilliant my friend!! The rythm just carries the whole thing along beautifully.Excellent entry Joy and good luck with it. Liked this very much...Mal
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Well written Joy! you pulled me right into this; funny how words conjure up mental images...well, that's what they're supposed to do I guess...brrr, think I'll go and put my jersey on gal!
Good luck in the comp
J
hn
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