my summer was i n c o m p l e t e .

(My words don't speak anymore.)


I'd like to forget everything. For weeks now I've been trying to lose myself somewhere between the streetlights, drop everything about me in a shadow and slowly walk away. Sometimes I dream about flying so high that I forget my own name.


I wanted to be so close to him that our bones would grind together. I wanted to feel his heart racing, forcing my entire world to shake and tremble.
This summer, I dreamed of driving around in a Chevy truck at midnight with him. I dreamed of holding his hand and staring at the lake water and concentrating on memorizing exactly how it felt. I remember sleeping at two in the afternoon in his bed; I remember sunburns and naked, dirty feet. I’ll never forget that morning I woke him up, pausing for a moment to listen to him breathe, then crawling under the covers with him. I miss the heat and happy sun above our heads, and the way the cigarettes smelled as the smoke blew away from our tongues.
He taught me how to breathe again. “It’s so simple,” he said. That was the day I got my license and we swam at the quarry. I never felt so free.


(Everything is changing.)

And now I’m not sure where to go. Slowly his voice is fading away, and nights no longer hold traces of “I love yous”, but lonely, sad songs and old tee shirts. I still smoke the same cigarettes as I did this summer, but they smell different now that he’s not with me. I hate the way I can’t feel the cigarette smoke when I’m high. I’m numb and it sinks into my lungs, but I can’t feel the sting as it passes through my throat.
I just want to collapse. I want to mess up, get fucked up, and forget my words before they even reach my tongue. I want to fly so high; fly high enough to feel nothing but the air around me.
I’m beginning to wish I didn’t concentrate so hard on remembering every little piece of this summer with him. Sometimes I feel as if sucking in this green smoke will help me will away the memories. I don’t want another disappointment.
I don’t want another disappointment.


(Say you’re sorry,)

That face of an angel only comes out just when you need it to.