I told you I couldn't wait forever
What I meant was, I couldn't wait for never.
You wouldn't let me near your cast iron house
so I smiled and nodded. Scared like a mouse.
*
You said I was a tart, my face covered in paint.
Can't you see that it was you, that put the taint
on the relationship, and when I scrubbed my skin
you said I was ugly, and wanted me thin.
*
Listen, I loved you, I would even ignore
when you told them my secrets and called me a...
I knew in my own mind it could never end,
and then I heard about you. And my best friend.
*
You claimed to have 'loved' me, which didn't ring true
and it wasn't to be, which is why, friend, I left you
and my silly suggestions years later would amount
to you threatening to cut me to pieces I couldn't count.
*
*
*
Author notes
We shouldn't dwell on the past, should we.. XD for the record, I am currently extremely happy now with my wonderful partner James, it's been a year and a half and still only feels like two weeks 
but this is just a recap of some of the relationships I had before James. Maybe it'll help get them off my chest. Maybe it's just a reminder for other people, male or female, to stay away from this kind of thing. Who knows. What you make of it, is up to you. x
PS. Oh and by the way... I know the last line sounds seriously forced and doesnt go with the rest of the rhyme scheme, if anyone's got any better ideas then please let me know!! 
x
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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I have to say ...
that the gentleman who posted just before me is quite correct all the way 'round.
Keep in mind that those who don't like rhyme always swear that it's "forced", which is mostly because they can't do it, and are jealous. However, I agree that the last line does sound forced. Therefore, the smart thing to do is to rearrange the lines in the stanza:
my silly suggestions years later would amount
to your threats to cut me to pieces I couldn't count.
You claimed to have 'loved' me, which didn't ring true
and it wasn't to be, which is why, friend, I left you
It would also help if you punctuated the poem. I firmly believe that rhymed poems should be punctuated. With free verse, it a matter of choice, although I punctuate everything.
Anyway, the best thing about this poem is that it's about a past that you have moved on from, and are not dealing with anymore (or so one would hope.)
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I'm not a very good critic, which doesn't mean i don't like critisizm, it has its place
to me, poetry is from the heart, i think if it's well meant, it'll be well spent...
I think you did a good job here of getting some old frustrations and hurts off your back, that to me is what counts, the rhyme or whatever style you choose will develop over time
Everything has a have rhyme somewhere in it you don't have to see it, you have to feel it...cadence, flow and so on.
If I wrote this i would just leave as it is and then go on writing!
You don't need a degree to write poetry...you need a heart and a mind and a good imagination.
The best poems are the ones that took five minutes to write; the worst ones are those you started ten years ago; still sitting in word document...haha i have plenty
Oh yeah, the missing 'whore' is very clever
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I liked the general idea of this one, but it was hard to follow, the cadence seemed off, some how, not just in the end, but through out. I liked the suggestion of trying it without the rhymes. A poem doesn't have to rhyme. Like I said I do like the idea behind your poem, please keep up the good work.
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I would take the poem in a word program and re-write it, without the rhyme, and see if it still achieves the effect that you were after. I do this frequently with my own work and run a fifty fifty success rate...Good luck!
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Although I liked the first two lines I have to say that the rhyming sounds very forced and basic. But the third stanza was really good, and you injected some humour when you skipped over using an inappropriate word, the mind fills it in with the rhyme.
"Listen, I loved you, I would even ignore
when you told them my secrets and called me a..."
That was good.
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I knooow
I keep rereading it and kicking myself! I'm not sure what to do. Do you think it's a case of re-wording the whole thing? Maybe I could use some sort of beat, like iambic pentameter etc. What do you think I should do?
Thanks very much for reading though, and for the compliment, I really appreciate it
Jess x
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Personally, (and probably because I'm not a big fan of rhyme to begin with) the rhyme scheme throughout this piece seems forced. I really like the premise of the poem and would have liked to have seen it without the rhyme so that the emotion would be the focus rather than the beats and pauses that the rhyme requires to work properly. Nonetheless, I appreciate your talents and thank you for sharing your work!
- BeanSidhe -
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Thankyou so much for your constructive comment - I really do appreciate it now I've just got to figure out what to do with this rhyming thing. Truth be told, I'm not much of a rhymer myself. I've only ever written one successful rhyming piece, most of my other stuff is more freestyle.
It's just a case of either getting rid of the rhyming altogether (which isn't a hassle) or somehow making it better. What do you think?
Thankyou for the feedback and for reading
Jess x
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wow great job
i can relate to this so much
keep up the good work
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Thankyou so much, I'm glad you liked it
Jess x
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