Ice cold hands and warm soft lips
Your smile brightens up my darkest day
Your arms wrap around me tightly
As you whisper something sweet into my ear
I laugh lightly
And you laugh right along with me
Which makes me laugh even more
A touch so soft
Sends shivers down my spine
I want to be with you
Forever and always
That's my baby
is it too straightforward?
Comments
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I like it, I didn't find it to straight forward, but i did find it relatively relaxing and calming from my normal reads. So...who was this about?
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Yes
The descriptors you're using are common pairs. Hands are often ice cold, and lips are often soft (or they should be; mine are chapped right now). Smiles are supposed to brighten days, and often days are dark. Why wouldn't someone whisper something into your mouth? It'd be new and different. An possible exercise: do something like what I just did, make different combinations out of the words you've already used. Have the smile brighten lips. When your readers encounter subversions of the expected metaphors and similes, they will be pleasantly surprised.
Also, "thats" is a contraction of that and is, and therefore requires an apostrophe.
If you want more suggestions, I'd be glad to give them. -
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thanks for the comment... it helps me out so much when people actually give me some constructive critisism!
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