Today... *sigh*
Today was so cold,
The feelin never gets old,
For me to be so alone,
In such a wonderful world.
I look down at the blade,
As my blood hits the floor,
All I can think of 's your rage,
All you can hear is my roar,
That this tragedy's a stage,
And all I call is for more...
How could you do this to me?
Did you think I'd be free?
You didn't think it was you,
That you were the one I'd need?
Man I'd call and I'd plead,
But now you see that I bleed,
I've got such high degree's,
But all I feel is the seed,
The seed that I'm to blame,
And now I feel so ashamed,
And all I hear is your name,
I feel fuckin insane.
Now I wake in the mornin,
Am I alive or dead,
I heard another's warnin,
As I get out of bed,
I see there's no mournin,
I've got a pain in my head...
All I think of is you,
And all the damage ensued,
I'd love to bid you adieu,
But I'm too much of a fool.
So I stick around,
Wait for something anew,
But it seems that all you've found,
Is a new smokin crew.
I coulda swore,
You were above that,
Deplore,
That you've done that,
"Hardcore"?
Man your life's whack,
Now I ignore,
So I don't strike back.
As I fall to the floor,
In this world, growin colder,
I you'd go back to before,
So you'd be leanin on my shoulder,
I feel it in my core,
I heard you're still hung over,
Now I'm 'bout explore,
The world crossin on over.
You laugh and you smoke,
Yeah you drank and you choked,
Now you feel so alone,
Cuz you're friends are all stoned.
They think that you're playin,
With all the shit you've been sayin.
Now next week's a party,
Everyone's wearin black,
They look back at it sayin,
Man that stuff was whack.
But now we're both in a coffin,
Although neither knows it,
But with thoughts of us often,
All those will have to admit,
That Death came knockin',
And we answered, "Shit..."
Did I do ok? Good? or Great?
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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...holy....crap. Ok where do I begin? I think this may take me all night. This was amazing.
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Amazing. I dont care what you say. This is awesome. I feel the words shooting at me from the page, like a million knives ...
i feel the reality.
I see the suffering.
I feel the resentment.
SO!
You have a masterpeice here.
i rest my case.
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This so strong in emotion and sad that this is wat u feel
good write
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^^ Your pretty good Sai-Senpai! I'm sorry that you feel this way.
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wow...this is some really strong stuff. I can really feel the emotion leaping out of your words. This feels really raw, in your face kind of emotion.
What I like about this poem : The raw emotion, the poetic diction, and the in your face imagery.
What I think could be improved : This poem seemed to ramble just a bit for me... I think it would have more impact if it was a little tighter. Also, while I love the imagery you have... I would love to see more of it. There are just a few places here and there, where you could add more imagery. In some places, the repitition was a little much. Let me show you what I mean...
Today... *sigh*
Today was so cold,
The feelin never gets old,
For me to be so alone,
In such a wonderful world.
I look down at the blade,
As my blood hits the floor,
All I can think of 's your rage,
All you can hear is my roar,
That this tragedy's a stage,
And all I call is for more...
It could be something like this:
Today...*sigh*
blowing arctic cold,
the feelin' never gets old.
I'm livin' a life alone,
in such a wonderful world.
Staring down at the blade
felling my blood to the floor,
All I think of, is your rage,
all you here is my roar,
This tragedy's just a stage,
with me calling for more...
now of course, these are just possibilities and suggestions... you have a good poem here.... good job!
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Awesome! I absolutley loved the contained emption that you used. Beautiful
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Thanks, it really hit me to do this. It's not EXACTLY how my life is at the moment, but it's similar... This really sucks. :/
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