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Without Moon or Stars

The languid moon lays azure
Over charcoal reams of your hair.
Leaving coal painted waters demure
As fireflies fleck the moist air.
They light the alabaster peaks
And hide malt liquor eyes atop cheeks.

Once you held the lustre of a night
Laden with corn on the cob stars
And skating rink moons; ignited.
Now you're a canvas as bleak as tar
A devious sky without fixed lights
But an uncaged heart guides my sight.

A contest entry

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    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments


  • Lowell Poe
    November 16
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    Very cool ..

    They light the alabaster peaks
    And hide malt liquor eyes atop cheeks.

    and

    A devious sky without fixed lights
    But an uncaged heart guides my sight.

    The entire piece had a soft glowing golden feel to it..
    simply beautiful...

    Bless you,
    Liam




  • shewalksintomine gold member
    October 28

    Edit | Reply
    The imagery here was almost majestic in quality. "Canvas as bleak as tar" was by far my favorite. Kudos for that. The rhyme was spotty at best, but even though that's all I wanted, that's not all that I look for.

    Thank you for entering my contest. Good luck to you. I know how hard it is to write a poem on the spot and I appreciate the effort.


  • WaterChild Reborn silver member
    October 19
    Edit | Reply
    Yes, great imagery and I loved the use of slant rhyme as well!

  • msjuicytech
    October 19
    Edit | Reply

    "Over charcoal reams of your hair"

    This whole piece is filled wonderful imagery... I loved this!!!