A Letter to a Higher Power

Dear God, or Yahwe, or Allah, or Fate or Luck or Science, or whatever they're calling you these days:

I don't know what form you take in my life, but I know you're there. I know you look out for me- probably more than I deserve. When I am about to cross the street without looking both ways, you distract me with birdsong or a cool breeze until the cars have passed. When the darkness eating at the edges of my mind is too much to bear, you've always thrown me a lifeline, whether it was a friend calling at just the right moment or the razor blade I was going to use on my wrists being lost behind the refrigerator.

And I am so ungrateful- I never thank you for saving me, every day and every moment. I don't praise you, pray to you, tell my friends about you. I don't do good works in your name or dedicate every action in my life to you. I'm not sure why... but it's time to stop blaming it on my upbringing and start taking responsibility.

That's why I'm writing to you, God. Because everything I've ever read has told me that you will let me come to you on my own terms, if I so choose, and every day is a step in that direction. I'm not afraid of Hell, but I am afraid of being alone, and I worry that no one will be there to greet me when I die.

So here I am, your imperfect and wayward creation. Take me as I am, or effect some change in me- ultimately it's your own decision, I suppose. But don't take that to mean I will accept every dogma attributed to you, or forget who I am, or always turn the other cheek or tell unbelievers they are damned, or marry for anything but love. I trust that you want me to be this way, because really, what else is there?

I remain your faithful if erratic servant,
                            N.