icy,
crisp wind
attacks my face and hands and
neck -- barest, most vulnerable to its freezing
swift assault and i wonder where you are, if you're
even thinking of me as i sit here staring into the
ebony sky, trying to see past the night and into the
parts unknown, unfelt, unheard, unseen --
and god, sometimes i want it all to burn down, the
sky the earth the cold lonely pieces inside all of
the people just like me, poets and artists and freaks --
in the pale moonlight,
nothing eats at my skin as much as
fear of falling and failing and dying on fire
in a lonely room, breaking and alone and
nothing, just nothing to no one;
i just want to experience forever and live
to see the end of the world with
you, just you and me and infinity
Author notes
so, this is actually an acrostic, lol i know welcome back to first grade. but yeah. it says 'i can see past infinity' for anyone too lazy to look. idk, i think it's kind of a shit poem, i sincerely hope i edit it, but who knows. constructive criticism welcome.
A contest entry
- a contest since I haven't had one in a while. by etoile.
1500 points, ended October 25, 26 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
please?
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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wow acrostic? that's so neat!
and I like how each stanza, even with the line breaks, flow into each other. I guess that comes with this being an acrostic, but I thought it was quite brilliant and flowy. and I like the image of an 'ebony sky' it's beautiful. this is amazing. my favourite part is the third stanza that starts with 'and god' that's just brilliant and really speaks to me.
goodluck and thanks for entering
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and god, sometimes i want it all to burn down, the
sky the earth the cold lonely pieces inside all of
the people just like me, poets and artists and freaks
- i can relate. this is gorgeous. and though those cold lonely places might become overwhelming, they'll pass over.
your last lines are amazing. the internal rhyme (intentional or otherwise
) were great and closed the whole thing really well.
well written.
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I love the acrostic!
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this is not a shit poem, this is really really cool. this is ewasily the best acrostic i have ever seen, and the number one reason is i didn't know it was an acrostic. absolutely beautiful! thanks for writing this <3
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oh, but don't don't don't separate the first letters of each line out that would totally ruin it
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ummmm, yeahhhh this is far from being a shit poem, lmao. in fact, it's quite the opposite, it's an outstanding poem with much to say.
"swift assault and i wonder where you are, if you're
even thinking of me as i sit here staring into the
ebony sky, trying to see past the night and into the
parts unknown, unfelt, unheard, unseen --
and god, sometimes i want it all to burn down"
this part really reminded me of a song or two by Brand New, my favorite band; I think the only edits I would suggest are making the acrostic stand out more and maybe consider a few commas.
T ry
S omething
L ike
T his
O r
s omething
l ike
T his.
with the spaces, to make the acrostic stand out more. some people choose to capitalize all the letters of the acrostic, but that is up to the author.
a part that could use commas:
"the
sky the earth the cold lonely pieces " could become "the sky, the earth, the cold ...."
and after this line:
"just nothing to no one" maybe put a semicolon, because you begin a new thought/sentence in the next line.
other than that, I truly think that this piece conveys a strong, serious, personal message. I'm bookmarking this great work!!
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