Tapping out the rhythm of the time solidified
Wondering when the clock will stop its feeble games
For happiness, for some sadness, I've forgotten why I've cried
As when I turn thinking I see you, it's only my shadow in flames
The clocks whisper sweet nothings to me as I pass
Cackling as I am blinded, while the horizen veils itself
Sending shivers down my spine, alas
Turning at each fading noise, I am joined only by myself
Tapping broken nails, I beat of rhythm of your heartbeat
Drumming it against the glass waiting for the hands to move
Reciting an inculcation I only half-believe, again and again I repeat
That waiting for me on the other side of time is someone who returns
my love
Each second is my passion, even as it races away from me
Feeling your veins pulse underneath my fingertips keeps me warm
Blinded by emotion and stayed by love, eye opened or closed it's only you
I see
Your gaze pieceing together the debris of separation, keeping me safe from
harm
Taps as gentle as butterfly kisses litter the ground every time you let go
As the shards of my heart fall, trying to follow you
Begging from the laughing clocks for a time when they mustn't say so
constantly 'no'
So my heart can rest easy not apart from you beating and bruising on my chest
a near-bleeding tattoo
One day my darling we can rest easy wrapped tightly within each other
Not fearing parting, when your breathing is replaced by the clocks ticking pretend
But, darling, I am lost - the fire began, but I cannot define the pivotal ember
For it is difficult to begin a soul-wrenching countdown when I cannot place where
the counting can finally end.
Author notes
yes this is "critical" review, as in SERIOUS, not, I WANT TO EDIT, not YOU MAY BE MEAN.
so be honest, but if you're rude, I delete.
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Your Verbosity... is supreme ;-)
"Tapping broken nails, I beat of rhythm of your heartbeat
Drumming it against the glass waiting for the hands to move"
Excellent... there are so many strong areas in this piece.. I am throughly pleased with this read...
And what a suitable ending... I really loved it...
"For it is difficult to begin a soul-wrenching countdown when I cannot place where the counting can finally end"
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"Each second is my passion, even as it races away from me"
Was my favorite line for giving a specific tone to the general passings of time.
This work had so many dimensions revolving around sensuality, desire, loneliness, and so much more. And I must admire your use of form: it's so rare to find these days it seems.
But I'm sure that when you featured it under "For Revision" that you weren't looking for more praise.
That's why I'd like to invite you to my contest "The Writers' Circle" which focuses on the process of reviewing and revision and gaurantees all contestants comments from the other entrants as well as by an in depth one from myself.
Let me know if you're interested. Or, better yet, simply enter!
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There is nothing more to add that hasn't already been said in previous comments. They are dead-on. This is beautifully written. Each line flows into the next and the end meshes with the beginning. Nice job.
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The idea of beating, tapping, tickng is what pulls this all together. Nice work.
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I don't see anything wrong with it, truthfully and I can be quite the critic. The only things I could argue are semantics that would just turn you into writing like me, so we want to keep your unique sense of writing, not assimilate you. I particularly liked how it was a reality, each line along the way influenced another line, bringing back specific moments in the poem and using them later on. It's very true in reality that something we see will show up later. Great work.
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Well crafted and written. I can feel the emotion you did when you wrote it, which if you ask me is a very good thing. Very vivd.
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Astounding in a very good way. :)
I don't want to sound cliche and repetitive, as far as this poem's appraisal goes, but this is really very good. A few of my favorite lines in this poem: "the horizon veils itself"; the entire third stanza; "Your gaze piecing together the debris of separation, keeping me safe from harm" (this makes me think of a storm, like a tornado or hurricane or even just a thunderstorm- very symbolic of torment and drama, rage and passion, yet also good things at the end); "Taps as gentle as butterfly kisses litter the ground every time you let go / As the shards of my heart fall, trying to follow you" (I just love this. Period. Insanely amazing imagery there, but it's subtle, which makes it even more intense when recognized.); "the pivotal ember" (I especially like this because it fits so well with your metaphor and such. I also like how you tied the symbolic fire back to the beginning of your poem - or rather, you laced it nicely throughout the poem - that is real construction!).
Anyways. I really like this. In a nutshell, you write very well.
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Oh. Wow. That's just utterly breathtaking. I adore the rhyme, it works completely gorgeously. The last stanza is probably one of the most soul-wrenchingly sad and beautiful pieces of poetry I've ever seen. Wow. Have I said wow? Wow.
Wow.
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This is one of the most amazing poems I have ever read! You have a great choice and flow of words. I can strongly feel everything you are saying and relate it to myself 100% All I can say is WOW! And you are so young to be feeling and thinking these things. You will probably feel this way many more times as you go through your life but I`m sure one day you will find that true love where you both can rest easy with each other. Keep up the great writing and you will go far. I`ve been writing for many more years than you, and I wish I had the same flow and emotion behind my writing as you do. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I know it can be hard to let that guard down and show our most vulnerable thoughts as these. Keep up the great writing and I hope you find happiness.
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This is new.its full of both pain and inspiration. you've found a way to portray the feelings of someone going through something almost inexplainable at times. i found this to be quite a moving write filled with heartfelt words and raw emotion. great job
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wow
That is a very moving piece of poetry, I loved it
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happy and sad at the same time, is there a word for that? i dont know but this poem captures these conflicting feelings, twas awesome
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I like this its something new to me well not new just different it remind me of losing someone and tring to find joy in moments spent with them yet feeling the pain of moments never made I could be wrong but's that my take on it but all in all I enjoy the flow and the many emotions spent here well pen poet
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