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Palindromic Flowing Twixt Happiness

~insanity~
pulsing veins
creates turmoil unseen
unending fountain pools shallow
warped mind breaks mirror
sees moon pale to face white
blood emptiness through knife
strike my escape
~happiness~
escape my strike
knife through emptiness blood
white face to pale moon sees
mirror breaks mind warped
shallow pools fountain unending
unseen turmoil creates
veins pulsing
~insanity~

Author notes

Mr. Owl ate my metal worm worthy? Probably not.. oh well, palindromes are cool.
S I C K O P A T H 3 3 3

A contest entry

Palindrome yes, poetry maybe?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • Arkbear gold member
    October 12

    Edit | Reply

    Hello

     A tad choppy in your L's.....I am looking for that Flow from one thought to the next without too many hiccups in between -

    I think a few more Filler Words would have given this Form a bit more strength in Voice....( Fillers = the....and...is...of....that...to...are...like )

    Thanks for your entry and all your efforts!

    Bear -

    • Sickopath333
      October 12

      Edit | Reply
      My.. L's? What do you mean by that? And I would agree with the fillers, but based on the example you gave for the form it didn't use any of them except for and I think.. I am new to the form and know it needs work for sure, but the way it is now there isn't a good way to add one of those without it changing the imagery. I will have to figure out the flow issue though.. wish you would have given percentages for all who entered as well though... thanks for actually giving some advice on how to improve, and do explain what that L thing is!