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October

Fall is smothering me.
Grey skies, abridged light,
the way a friendship gradually
falls into diminuendo;
one minute less of it
each day.

A contest entry

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • Saffron gold member
    October 27

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    I just love the "one minute less of it each day"--that really sums up this time of year for me, I think, and I like the visual I get from that here. I have to agree with Tom about reconsidering "the way" in L3--I just think it would make it a little tighter and perhaps those two words aren't really necessary (just my take). In any case, I really like this, and I think you do "succinct" very well.

    Thank you so much for entering this contest.

    Saffron


  • tomisb
    October 14

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    The first line strikes me like leaves drowning me in a sea of colors. Then you steal the colors and the landscape becomes pale and muted. You could leave off "the way" and increase the impact of friendships, no gradually it is implied, falls into colors of memories and then disappears. The last two lines a coda full of lifetimes.
    Peace,
    Tom B.


    • apantesis
      October 14

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      Well, "the way" was meant to compare the idea that daylight slowly disappears faster and faster over the course of the season in the same way that friendships gradually vanish by increments. Thank you for your kind comments.


      • tomisb
        October 14
        Edit | Reply
        If you feel the phrase has reason and purpose, you must, of course, keep it. I enjoyed your piece and saw what I thought were ways you might address to heighten and tighten the piece. You are wise to take what is useful and disregard what isn't needed. I often use another person's critique to see what lesson they are sharing. For while I might not need to use it on the piece they have commented on, I will use it perhaps later.

        For me, I already got the comparison between friendship and the seasons, in this case: particularly fall, so I felt saying in the way of was redundant and unneeded. Again, all artists are tightrope walkers, there is a balance of how much to say and how much to trust the audiences understanding. I support you whole heartedly in walking the path you have chosen for this poem. Trust your instincts for they lead you to use your voice in the way it sounds best.

        Peace,
        Tom B.


        • apantesis
          October 14
          Edit | Reply
          I really wasn't being defensive; I genuinely appreciated your willingness to let me know what did and didn't work about it! I hope it didn't seem like I was being catty about your suggestions. All poems are works in progress, especially early in their conception, and I like getting constructive feedback.

1 - 5 of 5