written today

I find in life this beautiful abyss that is my soul. Lost in confusion as to why I am living anymore. The world twist's and stirs moving around me but I stay in one place stuck in this time warp that refuses to go on. Everything is so painful now. My past love who I thought I had back has decided to find another and not even aware me of it. In love with her already he says, this Rahndi but I doubt their "love" is anything like ours. There is no way she knows him anything like I do, she never could and never will I know the side he hides and only dreams of sharing, the side he only writes in hidden journals. And what of Cody, all of a sudden so distent, unaffected by the intamite relationship that just ended. She's new and someone he can "talk to" but like Nathan she does not know him. I asked him to tell me of her but like she does him, of course, he's ignorent. Barely knows her an also "in love" with her already. Poor ignorent blind people they know not that the women they are with will hurt them. Nathan's is beautiful and kind but nieve and unaware of his mood swings and why he is the way he is and that is an essiental if you want to be with him. And Cody's well he just has bad luck; another Carla all over again. She's gonna hurt him and he'll come crying back to me. He'll tell me of how they kissed and how she hurt him. He will litterally cry on me. His soul will poor out in depression and I will have to stand there and be strong, or at least pretend that it is all okay. I will comfort him in hate of her and love him just as I always have and become weak. He will know something is wrong and feel worse asking what is wrong. I won tell him. I wont be able to and as the distence that is already there gets more distent, my pain becomes more evident and harder to hide. And its not just that, either. I meet new people everyday we hang out and have fun, but never does the first and truest leave my mind and I can't help but miss him.

Tom wrote a letter. Doris didn't even tell me. She told Matthew but didn't even dare tell me. What the fuck is wrong with her. And supposedly Matthew can reply through Jim. Bullshit, its total bullshit. I miss him so much. He has no idea the things that happen in this cold world of solitude. And he wont for a long time. I have gone numb. I have gone cold and hsve become so mean. But it's not hate and its not anger. It's pain but those who really need to understand, Never will.